COVID fantasies

Sometimes I wish I could waltz into the hospital ICUs, take my mask off, touch the patients, touch my face, catch COVID, and die. But it's too late for that, I'm already fully vaccinated. 

Health anxious Chloe back in April wasn't thinking about suicidal Chloe in August.

Crying so much right now

Crying until I can't see

Sobbing until I can't breathe

Heart hurting so much

I want it to bleed.

Bleed, bleed,

Until my body runs dry.

Bleed, bleed, 

And it won't hurt no more.

Journaling Prompts for Mental Health

Lately I was reflecting on the very first time I was heavily depressed and suicidal, back in 2012 when I was in Year 12. I've always considered it as the worst year in my life, and I've taken pride that I haven't had a year as bad as it. 

Unfortunately, this year, 2021, seems to be a contender and my mental health is quite comparable to 2012. And at times it actually feels worse because in 2012 I knew what the end date was (the last day of HSC exams, if I'm remembering correctly it was November 6th). However, this year there is no clear end date - there is so much uncertainty. I'm not even talking just about the pandemic - there's some personal stuff going on and I don't know when that's all going to end.

Luckily, it's been almost ten years since That Terrible Year, and I've worked really hard on my mental health since then. I've become more aware of my thoughts and feelings, I'm seeing a psychologist regularly, I'm more open with receiving social support, and I'm actively prioritising self care.

Part of this self care is journalling. Many of you know that I do bullet journalling where I do a different art theme each month, track my habits, mood, and some additional stuff depending on what I need that month.

But this year I actually started journaling journaling - as in actually writing diary entries into my journal. I don't do it every day but I'm pretty consistent with writing most days of the week, minus a couple times where I've completely forgotten I even owned a journal a couple weeks at a time.

I think this has honestly been one of the best things for my mental health this year. I'm a visual person and while it's hard for me to verbally form words, I find it so easy to be able to express myself through writing words down. It's been especially helpful these last few weeks during this lockdown, so I thought I'd share some common journalling prompts that could help.

Note: I also want to stress that I'm not saying you just journal and voila you're all good to go - self care is an ongoing relentless process and involves hard work and dedication in all areas of your life - including your physical health (exercise, sleep, healthy eating), and your responsibilities (cleaning, getting work done, keeping appointments), etc. Journalling has just helped me to try to get on top of all this.

Journalling prompts

Distress log

• Situation:
• Emotion:
• How intense the emotion is (/100):
• Thoughts:
• Are any of these unhelpful thinking styles?
• Behaviours:
• Which of these were helpful?
• Which of these were unhelpful?

(Click here for a template)

This is a classic therapy 'homework' tool where you record all the times that you were distressed; I think it's a really good way to get an understanding of what situations 'trigger' you, what emotions are most distressing to you, what unhelpful thinking styles you typically engage in, and what behaviours you do that help the situation (or make it worse).

Thought challenging

• Distressing thought:
• Factual evidence FOR this thought:
• Factual evidence AGAINST this thought:

(Click here for a template that combines this with the previous Distress log)

This is a great way to challenge some really distressing thoughts. Often I use this when I'm engaging in unhelpful thinking styles like black and white thinking, mental filter, jumping to conclusions, over-generalising, disqualifying the positives. Actually given that I just listed half of them, this probably works with all the unhelpful thinking styles.

Gratitude log 

• What is one thing I'm grateful for today?

For those of you who follow my bullet journalling, I do a gratitude log each month where every day I force myself to be grateful for one thing, no matter how small. Sometimes it's just that I watched a TV show I liked, or ate something nice. On days where I'm really struggling, I'll just put my good health - and if I'm sick that day I'll put down the fact that I can still see, or hear, or walk.

What I'm looking forward to

• What can I look forward to tomorrow/this week?

Lately I've been doing this a lot because I'm finding it really hard to get excited about anything. I have a lot of difficulty going to sleep because I dread waking up the next morning and having to go through this cycle again. So while the gratitude log is retrospective, this one is helping me pre-empt gratitude. 

Again, these things can be really small like, "I'm going to read a bit more", "I'm going to watch a TV show/movie", "I'm going to have a nice cup of tea", "I'm going to eat this delicious meal". It just helps me to remember that my whole day isn't actually just doing work - I can sprinkle some nice things throughout the day too.

What went well today and Why

• Write down three things that went well today
• Write down WHY they went well

(Click here for an article about this exercise)

This is a great one when you finish a long day at work and feel like you haven't accomplished anything (welcome to the life of a PhD student). Sometimes I literally have to dig out my to-do list from the bin to realise, "Hey, I actually got a few things done today!" On top of that, write down WHY they went well. Was it because you scheduled in breaks and were able to be more productive during your actual working sessions? Was it because you broke down your tasks into smaller tasks and wrote a to-do list? Was it because you practised some mindfulness beforehand to focus better? Was it because you were open to your supervisor and they provided you some help or advice?

I typically do this in a work-related context, but you can also do this in terms of self-care.

Pros and cons

• Problem:
• Possible solutions:
• Pros:
• Cons:

Sometimes you just need a good ole pros and cons list. This might be if the thought challenging exercise doesn't really work (because sometimes your distressing thought is actually true!). But I recently tried this once when I felt so paralysed and not up to doing any self-care. 

At the time I didn't "feel like doing anything" so I wrote a list of things I usually do, then thought of the pros and cons for doing it. Sometimes a con looks stupid on paper and you realise that you should just do it, like "Exercse - pro: it's healthy, I might feel better after - con: it'll be tiring." And sometimes a pro doesn't actually seem to be worth the con, like: "Paint - pro: I should be painting more, I can cross this off my list - con: I'm really tired and can't concentrate on anything too taxing right now"

Brain dump

• Just write; don't stop

Sometimes you just need to get everything down on paper to clear your head. That's where a good ole brain dump works wonders. Just keep writing, don't even think about stopping. If you don't know what to write, then write, "I don't know what to write" or "I don't know how to even write my thoughts down, they're a mess". Soon, the words will come and you'll be able to clear your head.

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So those are some journalling prompts I find really helpful. I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting but I hope some of these help you too.

Stay safe and look after yourself.

Late night thoughts

There is peace
only in death.

---------------

Can't sleep.
I lie awake
dreaming of all the ways
I could achieve
permanent sleep.

---------------

Pandemic
Pandendic
Pandendit
Planendit
Plan to end it.

---------------

What is the opposite of death?
This single moment,
This right now.
End the right now and 
You get to meet death.
Game over you win.

---------------

My eyes are fading
My mind is fading
Everything is fading
But unfortunately I am still here.

---------------

I just want to sleep.
Whatever, even if it's only temporary
Even if I wake up again
Wishing for more
I'll take it
I'll take anything at this stage.

I can't even remember what January felt like

I wrote this in my journal at the start of the year. When the turn of the decade signalled hope, change, and a future. To me, it also symbolised survival.

I have been suicidal many times in the last decade. Entering the 2020s just never seemed like something I would achieve. Even when I wasn't suicidal, the thought of being alive for so long was daunting. Even now, the thought of still being alive in 2030 is unfathomable.

In the last few years, things started to change. Maybe I still had thoughts of suicide every now and then, but in 2019 I really was starting to feel like depression and suicidality were behind me. 2020 wasn't just the start of a new decade, it was the start of a new era in my life, where depression wouldn't be the focal point.

Of course, all that has changed now.

COVID-19 is doing everything in its power to destroy what I have worked so hard for.

I look back on this page in my journal and I know I wrote it, I know it is my writing, and I know it is in my journal. But it seems so alien to me. I don't even remember writing it. It's dated the 5th of January, and I can't even remember what January felt like.

How I feel now is the complete opposite to what those words say. I feel like a darkness is closing in on me and it is getting harder and harder to see the light. I have to constantly fight thoughts of suicide, I have to try so hard to act like normal or to act like I even want to be alive during video calls, I have to keep doing my work in an effort to tell myself that there is a future and that I have to still do work in case I am still alive in that future, I have to go to bed anticipating the dread of waking up in the morning.

I know that this is temporary but it is feeling like an eternity. Even without a pandemic, when you have thoughts of suicide, one day can seem like a year.

The uncertainty of when this will all end is, of course, something that everyone is concerned with. The lack of control, and the fear associated with that, is not doing anyone any favours. Of course, having a background of being suicidal makes one think that this is the only way to regain control. I know, logically, that it is not. But I can't help my feelings.

For anyone wondering, I am fine. I have no current plans in place and I'm doing my best to continue on as normal. I'm seeing my psychologist, and I'm taking care of myself. But as you can tell by the time of this post, the nights are the hardest. It is at this time of day when you have no more distractions to drown out the cries of your own heart, when the silence makes you feel ever so lonely, and when you think about having to start all over again tomorrow morning. Getting out of bed is the hardest, but I plan to do so.