Surviving the Holiday Season with Disordered Eating

The holiday season can be really difficult for people who struggle with a history of eating disorder(s) or body image problems. Not only is there a lot of (unhealthy) food to eat, but the holidays mean you aren't in your normal routine, you're socialising more, and you might be eating out of boredom more when you don't have anything like work or study to keep your mind occupied.

On top of that, as we near the end of the year we might be deliberately or subconsciously thinking about what this year has been like, and what we would like to change for next year. For some, guilt could be a great motivator to make changes in your health, habits, and lifestyle, but for others, guilt could be associated with great shame, and so this act of making a New Year's resolution could be really distressing.

In response to this, I've made a list of 5 things that help me get through the holiday season (or any difficult period of time when I am feeling unhealthy, e.g. uni holidays, stress-eating when doing uni assignments, coming home from a birthday party, etc.). I'm obviously not a health professional so if you're struggling, do seek professional help, such as a psychologist that has experience with disordered eating, or a dietician. This is just a list of things that have helped me, and they have come from my dietician, psychologist, and personal experience. I hope they help you too!

1. ALL food is good. Whether for nutrition, or enjoyment.
When my dietician said this, I was so shocked. It was like this huge epiphany or revelation that had slammed into me. It might sound silly for people who have never had issues with food or their body image, but I just never realised that unhealthy food could still be good. I always thought, "If it's not healthy, it's bad for you." While I was thinking about it physically, I didn't at all think about it psychologically or mentally.

My dietician continued: "A donut is not bad. It may not be nutritional, but it brings you enjoyment. But if you're eating a donut for every single meal of every single day for 30 days, then that's bad."

So the next time you're worried because you ate something unhealthy, just remember: it's psychologically good for you!


2. Strength and health are more important than weight.
Weight doesn't tell you everything. Weight includes not just fat, but also your bones, muscles, ligaments, and even the food and water you just consumed but will eventually leave your body.

What is imporant, though, is your strength and fitness.

6 years ago I was at my worst. I was underweight, barely eating, and exercising like crazy. I was so tired all the time. Last year, I was probably the most I've weighed, but I was training every week to be able to do the Everest Base Camp trek. If I didn't gain weight, and get stronger, there was no way that I could have finished the trek. I was struggling as is, but even though I had the flu, and all I wanted to do was curl up somewhere warm and just die instead of keep walking, I managed to get up to 5360m high, trekking for anywhere from 4-9 hours a day, for 8 days.

Even though I felt like I was dying, that whole experience made me feel truly alive. It allowed me to truly appreciate, experience, and live in the world. But I wouldn't have been able to do that if I were underweight. In fact, I barely got through it even after gaining weight and training the whole year. If anything, I should have gained even more weight to have stronger muscles to carry me further, and to have been able to insulate myself from the cold. Which brings me to my next point.


3. Fat is good for you. You need it to keep warm and to protect your organs.
I asked my dietician, "You say I need to gain fat to be in the healthy range, but what even is the point of fat? How is more fat healthy?" It didn't make any sense to me.

She told me that fat is really important to insulate and protect my organs. It would help me in the cold (which, as I've already said, really hit me hard at Everest), but it would also help with my lupus. I don't have systemic lupus, I only have skin lupus thank goodness, but there's always that risk that it might turn into systemic lupus and attack my organs and my body. So having additional fat around my body is actually better for me.

Plus, as I have to gain around 5% body fat, my dietician has said that a small increase in fat isn't very noticeable.


4. Thoughts do not equal reality. Just because you "feel" or "think" you are fat, doesn't mean that you are.
Last week was quite bad for me, and I felt disgustingly fat because of all the food I had eaten in the last few days. I was telling my dietician about how gross I had been feeling, and how many unhealthy things I ate. She asked me whether I thought I had gained or lost weight (she weighs me but it's a blind weighing so I don't see how much I weigh, since that can be very triggering). I told her I thought I gained weight. A lot of weight.

But... she told me that I had actually lost weight!

Although that wasn't the goal (since she wants me to gain weight and fat), she said it just goes to show that just because I think I've gained weight, doesn't mean that I actually have. (But again remember that weight isn't all that important and it includes muscle weight too.)


5. Eating healthy means introducing more foods into your diet, rather than restricting your diet.
My psychologist was the one that told me this, and I thought it was actually a really good approach to changing my diet.

When people (or at least people with disordered eating) go "on diets" or, for a better phrase, change their diets, a lot of it revolves around getting rid of foods. You've been eating unhealthily, so you get rid of unhealthy food. You've been eating too much, so you eat less or reduce your calories.

Instead, you should look at introducing healthy food into your diet. For example, introducing salad into your main meals, and fruit into your snacks; or: introducing lentils and legumes into your main meals, and nuts into your snacks.

When you start introducing healthy food, you naturally tend to eat less unhealthy food, but you're still eating the same number of meals and the same amount of food as you were before, so it's not restrictive. Hopefully this allows you to have a healthier relationship with food.

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So those are the things that are helping me right now. I hope they help you too, and if you have anything else that helps you, feel free to let me know what they are!

Happy holidays, Merry Christmas, and have a fabulous New Year!

A Podcast Phase

This year has been a really stressful year, with me doing Honours, and as a result, I've dedicated almost no time to reviewing movies, and I haven't even really been too keen on movies in general this year. Even worse, I haven't really been reading either! I think many people might not know this about me since I always review movies, but I actually think reading novels is more enjoyable than watching movies, yet this year I've been terrible with my reading. And it doesn't help that my current book is about 900 pages long.

So instead, I got really into podcasts.

I love podcasts simply for the sole fact that you don't have to use your eyes. I can close my eyes and rest on, say, public transport, or even at home, and not feel like I'm wasting time by doing nothing productive. And depending on the podcast you choose, you can learn something, be entertained, laugh, or all of the above.

You can easily listen to podcasts by downloading a podcast app (I use Podcast Addict), streaming the podcast on Soundcloud or wherever the producers upload the podcast, going through iTunes, or even Spotify. You can stream the podcasts, or download them for offline listening.

Here are a list of my favourite podcasts so far. Any more recommendations would be great!


Currently bingeing:
No Such Thing As A Fish:

Four QI elves (mainly Anna Ptaszynski, James Harkin, Dan Schreiber, and Andrew Hunter Murray) each take turns discussing the most interesting fact they found in the last 7 days. This is an all-round interesting, educational, and hilarious podcast to listen to.

Episodes you can start with: literally any episode.
Note: On Podcast Addict, there's two of "No Such Thing As A Fish": the second one has episodes 127 and later. Also, episodes 2-52 are unavailable however I found someone's saved stash of them.

Myths and Legends:

Ancient myths and legends are retold in an easy and accessible way for modern listeners to understand. Some are stories you've never heard of, while other more mainstream stories might have surprisingly different details (for example, did you know that Aladdin was actually Chinese?).

Episodes you can start with: any myth or legend that peeks your interest.

Also obsessed with:
Heavyweight:

Jonathan Goldstein interviews people who carry heavy burdens from something that happened in their past. Then he helps them resolve these burdens. These stories can be anything from weird and hilarious, to deep and thought-provoking. Jonathan's unique way of storytelling and sense of humour are balanced really well in the way he presents these stories.

Episodes you can start with (in chronological order):

• #6 James: James' father's dying wish was for his ashes to be scattered into the 18th hole of his favourite golf course, but James never got around to doing this.
• #10 Rose: Rose was kicked out of her college sorority with the explanation, "You know what you did." But she didn't know what she did, and over ten years later, she still doesn't.
• #12 Jesse: Four years ago, Jesse was hit by a car and nearly died. This accident changed his life, but now he wants to find the driver, and thank him.
• #16 Rob: Rob vividly remembers breaking his arm as a kid, but the rest of his family says it never happened. Is he crazy?
• #18 Sven: Sven was on a jury that sentenced a man to death. He's regretted it ever since, and eight years later, the man's mother emails Sven.

Reply All:

Alex Goldman and PJ Vogt discuss anything and everything related to the internet. Some of the episodes are only loosely connected to the internet, and more recently some episodes have nothing to do with the internet but through their journalism they discovered these stories and thought they were interesting enough to air on the podcast. They have segments such as Yes Yes No, where their producer asks them to explain memes to him, and Super Tech Support (a favourite of mine), where Alex helps people with bizarre tech problems.

Episodes you can start with (in chronological order):

• #21 Hack the Police: Higinio Ochoa was a hacker that got released on parole on one condition: he can't use the internet. Not only does this mean he can't use a smartphone or internet-connected computer, but he also can't touch his smart-fridge, or even his TV remote control, which can navigate to Netflix on the TV. So how does he navigate his way around this modern world?
• #23 and #24 Exit & Return, Parts I and II: Shulem Deen was part of the Hasidic Jewish community, which doesn't allow certain modern technologies to be used. When he was 22 years old though, Shulem bought his first computer, and his relationships with his family and friends, all being Hasidic Jews, changed forever.
• #86 Man of the People: Not really internet related, but a fascinating story about a con doctor in the 1900s. There's even going to be a movie based on this podcast episode, with rumours of Robert Downey Jr, Matt Damon, and Richard Linklater attached.
• #104 The Case of the Phantom Caller: A great Super Tech Support episode that tries to determine why a woman is getting really bizarre, strange phone calls where no one answers, but it seems like she can eavesdrop on the lives of the strangers calling her.
• #130 The Snapchat Thief: Another great Super Tech Support episode which delves into the world of Snapchat hacking, and social media black markets.

Homecoming:

A fictional psychological thriller podcast focusing on a psychological facility that helps homecoming soldiers. It stars Oscar Isaac, Catherine Keener, and David Schwimmer, and has now been turned into a TV series starring Julia Roberts. I haven't yet listened to the second season because there's an accompanying book where they recommend you to listen to one episode then read one chapter, but for some ridiculous reason, the book is only available for people with Apple products! So I'm waiting until it's available on PDF before I start the second season.

Episodes you can start with: start with the first episode since it's a chronological podcast series.

Other good podcasts:
Science Vs:

Each episode looks into a topic which science can either refute or support with evidence. The host, Wendy Zukerman, has a very intense Australian accent, and it got me a couple episodes to get used to, but she's very endearing, funny, and super enthusiastic. Overall I think it's a great way to learn a bit more about things you are unsure of.

Episodes you can start with: Any episode that peeks your interest.

Invisibilia:

A podcast that explores the invisible forces like our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions, that affect our behaviour.

Episodes you can start with: Any episode that peeks your interest. I've only listened to the first two episodes of this so I don't know much about the other episodes, but I thought the first episode was a fantastic introduction to the show.

Podcasts that have finished:
Mystery Show:

There were problems with production and there's a rumoured season 2 coming out in the future, but as it's been about 2 years since that rumour started, it currently stays at one season of 6 episodes long. Nevertheless, these 6 episodes alone made Apple name Mystery Show as the Best New Podcast of 2015. Each episode, Starlee Kine tries to solve a mystery. It's not a murder mystery or anything super serious; they are often quite minor mysteries, but they can't be resolved just by Googling. Starlee is so cute and adorable as she takes these mysteries as serious as any private investigator would take a headlining mass-murder case, and she's a great storyteller.

Episodes you can start with (in chronological order):

• #2 Britney: "Andrea's a writer no one reads. Then she makes a shocking discovery."
• #3 Belt Buckle: "A young boy finds an enchanting object in the street."
• #5 Source Code: "While watching a movie, David notices a discrepancy."

Serial (season 1):

This is an investigative journalistic podcast that narrates a nonfiction story; one story per season. I've only listened to the first season, which focuses on the 1999 murder of Hae Min Lee, a student in Baltimore. Following initial investigations, Adnan Syed, Hae's ex-boyfriend, was sentenced to life for her murder. He insists he's innocent, and the evidence against him is actually quite contradictory, questionable, and may even be wrong. Very recently, Adnan was granted a re-trial, and there will be another hearing by the end of the year.

Episodes you can start with: start with the first episode.

Depression is not a weakness.

A few weeks ago, I started seeing a psychologist.

It was the first time since late 2013 and I was so disappointed in myself.

I was doing so well coping with depression on my own and it had been over a year since I had been feeling suicidal. I felt like a failure for letting myself get depressed again, and I felt like the fact that I needed to see a psychologist meant that I wasn't strong enough.

I told my psychologist this and she asked me what I meant by "strong"; what did a 'strong' person look like to me?

I half jokingly replied, "Pfft I dunno, maybe someone who doesn't have depression?!"

She then told me this analogy:

Imagine if you were watching a race and there were all these 'normal' people running the race. But you take a closer look and amongst these 'normal' people, there are other people competing in the race that have large rocks tied to their legs and arms.

Then put yourself in that same race. You look around and everyone's lane is normal, but in your lane, you're waist deep in water that you have to run through. And then just before the finish line, there are all these large boulders you have to climb over.

You compare yourself to those in the other lanes and you think that you're weak. Is that a fair judgement?

Of course not, it's not even a comparison! You're running a completely different race.

I told her that I had never seen depression in that way before, and if I saw someone else with depression, I would never in a million years say that they were weak. Yet when I have depression, I'm pathetic and the weakest person in the world.

She said to me, "You think you're weak because you feel weak. But of course you feel weak; you have rocks tied to your legs!"

So many people go through their own difficulties in life, be it family, friends, relationships, work, study, career, etc. But for some, like me, there's a predisposition to depression on top of all that.

But if someone had a predisposition to diabetes, you wouldn't call them weak. Or if someone's kidney was failing, you wouldn't say it was failing because they "weren't strong enough". So how come when it's our brain, just another organ like all the other organs that could malfunction, we say that we're weak?

I know when I injured my knee/foot/ankle, it was because I was overworking myself. I got a little bit too crazy with running, and just ran so much that my legs stopped working properly.

But when I get depression, I never see this as me overworking my brain, or me being under so much stress that the depression comes back. I always think I was just too weak to prevent it.

And my psychologist told me that when it comes to our mood, it's something that we believe we have control over. So when our mood is affecting our daily life, we feel weak because we think we should be able to control it. But unfortunately we can't always control how we feel.

A few things in my life have started to get better, and I'm getting a lot of support from my friends and family, and it's good going to see and talk to a psychologist about this. Depression isn't something you can easily fix, though, and sometimes it just takes time. I still find it difficult to get out of bed, I don't find the same enjoyment in things I used to love (movies aren't that appealing and I literally have to force myself to read), and no matter how badly I actually want to do something, sometimes hours fly by before I can even start to work up the energy to do it.

It will take time for me to change my way of thinking, but I guess I just need to actively keep reminding myself that no, I'm not weak for dealing with depression. In fact, I was strong enough to carry all those rocks all this way and I still remain standing now. I may have fallen over a few times, but each time I've gotten back up. I haven't given up just yet.

Are You Okay?

In honour of R U OK day (and a friend asking me how to speak to someone who looked like she was having suicidal thoughts), I decided to do a little blog post on some ways you could approach someone who's going through a tough time.

A good rough guide on how to ask someone if they are okay can be found here, but it doesn't give you much information on what to say and when to say it, so I thought I might give some tips from my own personal experiences of having depression.

Also, if you don't believe that these three words can actually save a life, just have a read of this!

Firstly, make sure YOU are okay before you ask someone if they are. If you aren't in the right mental state, then if you ask someone and they unleash a whole can of worms, you might be unable to cope with it, and it might even be detrimental to you, as their can of worms may stack up on your can of worms and bring you down even futher. If this is the case, perhaps speak to someone you are close with, or someone who is close to the person you are concerned about, and they can ask them instead.

So if you've decided you're okay enough to ask someone about their problems, make sure that you have the time and the effort to deal with their problems, if they do tell you their problems. If someone indeed has a problem, I think it's a fair enough assumption that the problem won't be able to be summarised in just a few sentences, and it might actually take a lot of probing and a long chat to get it all out, so make sure you have the time to listen to all they are saying, instead of rushing off to deal with something else. It is seriously such a bad idea to ask someone how they are going, then have them open up to you, only for you to turn around and say you don't have the time or whatever to help them. It would make them feel even worse than they already are.

Okay, so you've decided that you're completely able and capable of asking the person if they are okay. How do you do it?

If it is really obvious, such as a Facebook post, or something serious, you can say something like, "Hey, I know we're not that close but I saw your post/whatever and I was really concerned. Is everything okay?"

If you have noticed something more subtle about them that has made you want to ask them if they are okay, then don't dive straight into it. Just like any other conversation, start off small by asking them just generally how they are going. Then you can go a bit more specific, but still keep it general, like, "How's uni going?", "How is your family?, "How is work going?", etc. If this doesn't open them up a bit more, then that is when you can start asking more specific things, like, "Are you feeling a bit stressed out? How are you coping with all that?", or "It's just that I noticed you looked a bit upset/stressed/worried, and just wanted to check up on you. Are you sure everything's okay?"

If they aren't comfortable with talking about it, don't force it upon them, because it could make things worse and they could get quite angry at you for it. Instead, let them know that you are there for them, by saying something like, "Well I hope you're okay, and just remember that if you need anything, I'm always here to talk to. And if you're feeling overwhelmed by everything, just remember that you've got friends and family who you can talk to as well; just make sure you don't bottle up everything inside."

Another important thing is that you don't always have to suspect something is going wrong in someone's life to ask them how they are going. If you regularly meet up with a friend, it's easy to slip into asking about events or what has happened in the last few weeks rather than how they have been feeling. For example, you might get into the habit of asking, "So what have you been doing these last few weeks?" or "So what are you doing at uni now?", rather than "So how have you been these last few weeks? Everything okay?" or "How's uni going? Do you have any assessments or exams? How are you going with that?"

This means that even if you didn't know the person was struggling with something, they might be able to come out and open up to you about their issues.

So what do you do if they actually DO open up to you and tell you all their problems?

Firstly, it's really important to listen to what they have to say. I know that when I'm upset I usually just want to get it off my chest and tell it to someone... ANYONE actually. Often I'm not looking for a solution, I'm looking for someone to empathise with me. I think back to Parks and Rec where Chris always tries to tell Ann these solutions that he comes up with to her problems, but all she wants is for Chris to sit down with her and say, "Wow, that sucks." Empathising with someone can actually be a lot better than trying to solve their problems for them. It might also be that they've tried to solve their problems and whatever solutions you try and tell them, well, they've already thought of and tried them, and they didn't work. This could make them even more upset.

Another thing is that if you don't show you can empathise with them, they might not want to talk to you in the future. I know a lot of the times when I open up to someone and then not talk to them again, it's because I have this feeling of, "They just don't GET me." So try and empathise with the person rather than solve their problems; it does wonders.

If you still think that you have a solution to the problem, you don't have to straight up offer it. You might ask them instead what they think about the problem, or whether they've thought about what to do. After they say all this, then you may be able to give advice on your solutions to the problem, but obviously use your own discretion.

When it comes to suicide, this is obviously a lot trickier, because often the person might think that the solution IS the suicide. The R U OK article (here it is again for you) has a good summary of things to say when someone tells you they are suicidal. Obviously the most important thing is to try to discourage them from it, but do so really really gently. Tell them that you are really concerned and you care about them and that their lives deserve to continue - all the stuff you can think of, just try not to be too aggressive about it. Recognise that you are not a professional and that there are free professional services out there that they could use - Lifeline, Beyond Blue, Headspace, etc. There are so many avenues for this kind of thing, whether they want to speak to someone in person, over the phone, or on an online chat. Sometimes it's easier telling a stranger all your problems, rather than a friend.

Another thing is to try to ask them about who they could talk to or call when they have strong suicidal thoughts. You can get them to make a list of all the people they could call, e.g. Lifeline, Mum/Dad, boyfriend/girlfriend, best friend, yourself, 000, etc., which would help them when they're in the moment of wanting to suicide.

If you are with someone who is in the moment and wants to suicide, make sure you keep their environment free of anything dangerous, such as sharp items, knives, alcohol, drugs, and any medication which they might overdose on. After you do that, you might want to call Lifeline on 13 11 14, or call 000.

Just remember that whatever the circumstance, be gentle with them and try to listen instead of offer them solutions. Speak to them in a non-judgemental way and let them know that you are there for them and you care about them. And also remember that you aren't the only person who can help; encourage them to speak to others, be it friends, family, or professional services.

One last thing (and this may be really obvious but it's still worth a mention), if you know of others who have been talking to the person, try not to approach the person. If too many people are speaking to the person it can get a bit overwhelming for them. In those cases, it's probably best to reserve it unless you are really close to them, as you don't want to keep asking them about something when others have asked them and are currently speaking to them about the issue.

So, that's all I can think of for now, and if I think of anything else I'll update this post. Hope it has helped and remember that if you yourself are struggling with something, speak to someone! I'm free for a chat whenever =]

A Blog on Depression

Hey guys,

So for the past week, since Robin William's death, I've been debating with myself whether or not to do this blog post, but after seeing this article, I definitely wanted to do this. The article discusses how we shouldn't say that Robin Williams and other depressed peoples have died from suicide. What we should say is that they died from depression. Just like how we don't say that someone has died from a 'pulmonary embolism', we say they died from cancer. Because, like cancer, depression is a disease that nobody chooses or wants to have. This article spoke out to me so powerfully about this. Depression is not taken as seriously as it should. You should definitely give it a read; it's very short and infinitely more eloquent than me. Anyway, as a result, here are some of my thoughts on this mental illness.


Number One: Depression is Everywhere
One in five people aged 16 to 85 will experience depression at one stage of their lives. One in five. That's a lot of people. If every household was a traditional nuclear family, that's nearly one person per household. Think about your grade in high school or even a Uni lecture with 200 people. That's 40 people who either have had or will have depression. That's a lot. That's too many.

It may seem like a bit of a stretch, but when you think about it, it actually does make sense, I've had depression on two separate occasions in 2012 and 2013. And I've talked to a lot of people who have had it as well. It's actually very common, more so than I could have ever imagined when I first got it in 2012. Maybe if I knew then how common it is, I wouldn't have rejected the notion of seeking help so readily. But there's a social stigma that hides the fact that depression is so common. Which brings me to my next point...


Number Two: Depression is Invisible
There is no physical thing that we can trace depression to; no lump we can feel and no mole we can see growing bigger. It's a mental illness, and because of that, it's not just hard to diagnose, not just hard to treat and monitor, but it's hard to accept.

Sure, there has been research to show that depression may have a link to how our brains are mapped out, with depressed people having smaller hippocampi than so-called normal people, but it's still very wishy-washy. While some people are genetically predisposed to depression, others get depression from environmental influences or a lot of stress.

It's also hard to determine causality; does negative thinking change our brain to result in depression, or do brain abnormalities result in depression that then causes negative thinking? It's very hard to test these things empirically because it's a mental illness, and everyone has a different reason of cause.

It's sad that some people have to rely on evidence that suggests that depression can be pinpointed to one area of our brain to accept that it is a disease, but that's the reality. It's invisible. And it's difficult to swallow. But that shouldn't mean we should reject it, because...


Number Three: Depression is Real
Very real.

Maybe this doesn't come as much of a surprise to some, but this is really important to me. I was raised by two very traditional Christians who made me grow up believing in God but not believing in mental illness or even the credibility of psychologists. I was raised up by a Hollywood society that taught me that you had to be crazy to see a psychologist, and when you did, you didn't really have a disease anyway because everything would be better after lying on a couch and talking about your 'feelings'.

Of course not all Christians are like my parents, and of course not all movies are wrong about psychologists. But I grew up with the mentality that depression was a stupid excuse for people who were just thinking negatively or being over dramatic. Because I thought depression only came if you were traumatised, and that if you weren't, well there was no reason to be depressed.

Until, of course, reality hit me. Hard. With none other than, ironically, depression itself. I was stressed from HSC, moving churches, my parents' financial issues, not being able to afford tutors and teaching myself absolutely everything (even 4 unit maths). And before I knew it, I wanted to kill myself every single day for five months. I was so confused, and that was why I stopped believing in God.

I couldn't bring myself to keep loving and believing in this so-called all-powerful, all-knowing God who would just sit there while I had thoughts of killing myself. Still now, having gone back to Christianity, I'm more confused than ever. Still I don't understand how this could be so prevalent and real. While I find some sort of comfort in praying or reading poetic psalms, I still question why a God would let this happen. Now I don't have the answers, and I frankly don't think anyone does, but I've come to accept mental illnesses for what they are. I've also come to realise my unquenchable desire and passion to raise awareness for them and to help victims of them. I understand what it's like to go through it, and I can honestly say...


Number Four: Depression Sucks
Now there's a lot of arguments on Robin Williams and any other person who suicides from depression being selfish. That it's selfish to suicide and leave the rest of your family to mourn. While yes, it kind of is selfish, you also need to understand the illness.

It's hard to explain, but when I'm not depressed, like right now, I can't imagine wanting to die, let alone killing myself. But, I used to. Twice. In 2012 for five months and in 2013-2014 for (thank God) only two months.

When you're depressed and suicidal (and of course not everyone who is depressed is suicidal and not everyone who is suicidal is depressed; check the DSM (any version probably)), there is nothing more prevalent than the pain you feel.

Because I can't explain this properly, here is a comparison. There's a plant called the Gympie Gympie thats poison is so painful, that when a man accidentally used it as toilet paper, he ended up shooting himself. It's everything from humorous to tragic, but it's definitely not selfish. Why? Because we understand that the pain was so unbearable that the man had to shoot himself to end it. Or what about the comparison of spies being captured and suiciding before they can be tortured? It's understandable and definitely not selfish because they're given a cyanide pill in the first place. But because these are physical examples, it's understandable. Once you turn to a mental example, it's hard to believe. And I understand that, because, like I said, it's hard to see and hard to accept.

Depression also sucks because it changes who you are. A lot of people say that they loved high school, and despite HSC they had a lot of great memories of year 12. I honestly cannot say that. In fact, I hated school because when I think about school, all I can think of is getting depression in year 12. And even though that was only for 5 months, not even half a year, I can't think about any other thing in that year except for the depression. AND, even when I DO think about it, I can't remember what happened. It honestly was just a huge blur of emptiness, loneliness and crying myself to sleep. While I was at times genuinely happy when I saw my friends at school or when I went out when I had free time, some of the time it was just a distraction, and there was still an underlying ache of loneliness in me that didn't go away. Even if I was happy for one moment, I would come home to realise how truly lonely I felt again. It really sucked, that kind of life, because I can't even remember what I did in those five months. It's as if I had amnesia and those 5 months were wiped away leaving only a faint and blurred dream behind.

Another thing that makes depression suck is that it's a constant cycle. After I survived depression in 2012 I was fine for over another year, until December 2013 when I got it back again. It's like cancer, where's it just a cycle of treatment, then remission, then it coming back. While my second experience of depression was only for two months, it sucked so much because I realised that I hadn't completely escaped it. And I didn't even know why I was getting it. I hadn't been that stressed out; if anything I wasn't even stressed out at all because Uni had already finished, and I was enjoying my holidays. I was so confused, and I had to come to terms with the potential for this to be a chronic struggle for me and a lot of others worldwide to face.


So overall, I guess why I wanted to write this post was because I hated how someone had to die for everyone to take depression just a bit more seriously. I hate how someone had to die for some to raise awareness for depression, for some to donate to organisations that help fund research and treatment for depressed people. I hate how some one had to die for me to write this post. It sucks how in high school you get told to put on sunscreen to avoid skin cancer, wear a condom to avoid STDs or avoid junk food to prevent Type 2 Diabetes, but there's no emphasis on mental illnesses. No education on what they are, how they are caused, what are the signs to look out for, how to help and talk to a friend about it, and, most importantly, that it's normal. And that there's nothing to be ashamed of. It sucks to see people calling depressed people attention-seeking, or selfish, or over dramatic. It sucks that my mum told me she doesn't believe I ever had depression, because when have I ever suffered in my life? It sucks that my mum thinks that psychologists only see crazy and dangerous people so much so that I'm terrified of telling her I've seen a psychologist on a regular basis.

It sucks to see depression so prevalent and yet so invisible, like an omnipresent evil spirit sucking the joy out of Earth. I've realised my passion for mental illnesses and my passion to change the world, and while I understand that there's never going to be a world free of war, cancer and suicide, if I could just reach out to one person or get people to just think about it through this post, then I'm happy.

A Blog About Marijuana

Every time the topic of marijuana comes up, there will be one party that says, “Marijuana is so much better for you than alcohol!” whilst another party will say, “But there’s a reason why it’s illegal!” I always said the latter, and I always knew it was such a terrible point of argument mainly because I never even knew the reason.

So, I decided to do my own research instead of having close-minded notions based on what others tell me about marijuana.

Just remember, I am not trying to persuade anyone to do or do not do anything. I just wanted to research all this for myself so I have a better understanding, and I thought it would be cool to let others know too.

I did a lot of research (mainly just shallow Googling), and all my links and references are at the bottom of the blog. I hate reading long paragraphs of stuff so I did my best to try and summarise everything I read (but it’s still quite long sorry). Also, because it was shallow Googling, the reliability and stuff of the websites I guess aren’t very good, but I do have quite a lot of research from my Psych textbooks and stuff too.



SO HERE GOES:

The Innocent Days:

Marijuana has spent the majority of time being legal and even a critical resource

The hemp plant was used for food, cloth, rope and sometimes even as tax payment

The first American law related to marijuana was actually one requiring it to be grown by all farmers


Mexicans, Mormons and Musicians:

Crossing the border, cheap labour and The Depression caused Americans to hate the Mexicans

The Mexicans brought marijuana to smoke

Mormons were influence by the Mexicans and started smoking marijuana too

“In Texas, a senator said on the floor of the Senate: “All Mexicans are crazy, and this stuff [marijuana] is what makes them crazy.””

Shortly after, “preparations of hemp” were prohibited in states with large Mexican-American populations

Marijuana was also popularised by Latin-America and black jazz musicians which led to weird and fearful rumours of kidnappings and assassinations carried out by these so-called drugged maniacs

“Newspapers in 1934 editorialized: “Marihuana influences Negroes to look at white people in the eye, step on white men’s shadows and look at a white woman twice.””

Blatant Racism:
Some guy called Harry J. Anslinger manipulated the facts about marijuana in the attempt to boost his career. This quote pretty much sums up everything:

“There are 100,000 total marijuana smokers in the US, and most are Negroes, Hispanics, Filipinos, and entertainers. Their Satanic music, jazz, and swing, result from marijuana use. This marijuana causes white women to seek sexual relations with Negroes, entertainers, and any others.”
This guy had a friend called William Randolf Hearst who owned a chain of newspapers and absolutely hated Mexicans, a convenient combination.


I’m a bit lazy so let’s skip to…
Marijuana in Australia:

Pretty much the same innocence as in America

Only known as ‘cannabis’, it became popular during the Victorian times, with Queen Victoria herself a noted user

THAT SAME GUY Harry J. Anslinger spread his campaign to Australia, resulting in the drug to be outlawed in 1938

“For this generation of Australians, cannabis was to be "the dreaded sex drug marihuana". It was an "Evil Sex Drug" which causes "it's victim's to behave like raving sex maniacs."”

Americans renaming it to ‘marijuana’ helped mask the fact that this “Evil Sex Drug” was the very same one they had been using their whole lives

Down the line in 1975, Prime Minister Gough Whitlam condemned this US policy and intended to legalise marijuana in Australia, yet was dismissed in one of the most controversial events of Australian history

After this, the Conservatives brought back the “War on drugs”


So that’s basically the history of it. There’s little to no scientific influence or legitimate health concerns that have resulted in the outlawing of marijuana, so here is a summation of the good and bad of marijuana:

Physical problems:

Smoking marijuana can damage your lungs in the same way smoking tobacco can, including respiratory diseases and maybe even lung cancer (but the data and results for lung cancer are quite inconsistent)

It is unclear whether marijuana reduces one’s immune response as marijuana smokers do not appear to get infectious diseases any more than non-users

Research suggests that there isn’t really any harm relating to male fertility or sexual functioning


Addiction:

Marijuana is second to alcohol when it comes to substance dependence in the U.S.

It shares some features of addictive drugs, including tolerance (needing to take more to get the same effect) and withdrawal symptoms in heavy users (and by heavy, I mean users that are pretty much taking it every day) that have similar levels of discomfort as tobacco withdrawal

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Mental Problems
(But there is more research needed in this area):

Regular use doubles the risk of developing a psychotic episode or long-term schizophrenia

Regular use increases the risk of depression, with daily users being five times more likely to develop depression and anxiety later in life

The earlier and more you use marijuana, the more likely you are to develop schizophrenia. This is particularly relevant in those under 15 years old and even continues on through teenage years because brain development and neural pruning still occurs

Those with family backgrounds of mental illnesses would have a genetic vulnerability and thus are more likely to develop mental health problems such as schizophrenia


Other Problems:

Drug-impaired driving can increase the chances of being involved in car accidents resulting in injuries or even deaths

Marijuana is used as an “entryway drug” which means that it could lead to testing of other more severe drugs which may be extremely dangerous

There is a very weak connection between marijuana use and poor school or work performance, but marijuana use does result in more mistakes at work

Generally the problems marijuana users get are only for those who are very heavy users and these problems include attention and memory impairments even when users are not high, however these problems are “modest and certainly not disabling, and one study found that the deficits vanished after a month of marijuana abstinence”

There’s some stuff about tax that I don’t really understand but seems interesting if you want to check it out yourself

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Medical Uses:

It can be used as medicine in a variety of ways other than smoking because of the tetrahydrocannabinol or THC present in it

It is effective in relieving chronic pains and symptoms of diseases such as cancer, glaucoma, AIDS, and HIV and is also good for treating nausea, migraines, appetite loss, and other illnesses


Comparison with Other Drugs:
Here is a lovely table from my Psych textbook:

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As you can see, marijuana is not as bad as alcohol and other drugs like cocaine (stimulant) and heroin (narcotic).

If we look at the drug-related deaths, we see that marijuana actually has the lowest percentage of deaths. Note that it does not actually cause fatal overdoses and that the 6% of deaths are mainly because of drug-impaired driving:

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Also, this table on drug-related harms shows that cannabis is in the middle, lower than legalised alcohol, tobacco and even some prescription drugs:

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Here are two unrelated images, but they do make you think a bit more about this stuff:

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Click picture to enlarge in new tab


In conclusion, I hope this has helped you understand a bit more about marijuana and its effects. I personally wouldn’t take marijuana because it’s illegal. But in saying that, piracy is illegal and I know a lot of people who pirate things and chewing gum is illegal in Singapore but obviously there’s not much that’s wrong with chewing gum. Sometimes things are illegal for good reasons and sometimes they’re not. I think we’ve established that marijuana falls into the latter. Even if it were legalised I don’t know what I would do, but even with all this newfound knowledge it’s really hard for me to change my mind about certain things. However, I am much more open-minded to this sort of thing, but I would still frown upon anyone who would want to take marijuana on a regular basis (because this actually does lead to negative health effects and such). I honestly have no idea where I stand with this and I just wanted to present all these facts to you guys so you can make your own informed opinions.

Hope you enjoyed this =]



Bibliography:
(Click on links to open in new tab)
A lot of research was obtained from my Psych textbook “Psychology Themes and Variations” pages 214 and 216 of the 9th edition for those who have it. The tables and diagrams came from the textbook, the CD that came with the textbook and my Neuroscience lecture notes.

Why is Marijuana Illegal?

The History of Cannabis in Australia

Why We Should Not Legalize Marijuana

Learn About the Advantages and Disadvantages of Marijuana Use

Medical Marijuana

Legal Marijuana’s Advantages and Disadvantages

Cannabis and Mental Health