On Wednesday the 21st of August, 2019, at around 9.30pm, my father had a heart attack while driving. He was on his way home from his weekly badminton session (later we found out that he told his friend he didn't feel well and left earlier than usual). He crashed on Silverwater Road, hitting both barriers, scraping the metal rail until he screeched to a halt. Some nearby road workers saw this, and approached the car. My dad was unconscious, slumped on the steering wheel. The road workers had to break open the car window, pull my father out, and (because he wasn't breathing) administer CPR on him. They saved his life.
He was rushed to Westmead Hospital via ambulance, and spent the next few days in ICU. He suffered a collapsed lung, and 3 rib fractures, all from the CPR.
My father's existence today is nothing short of a miracle. The fact that he had a heart attack and was resuscitated soon after is a miracle alone, but the fact that he had a heart attack while driving, crashed to the point where the car is a complete write-off, and suffered no severe injuries from the car crash alone, sounds like fiction.
He spent a few days in ICU. The first day, he was heavily sedated, with a tube down his throat. He doesn't remember that time at all. The tears, worries, and stress from that day have disappeared completely from his mind, its absence a strong reminder that he himself might have disappeared completely if things went differently.
If he stayed at badminton, and had a heart attack there, would he have been alive? If he left badminton a minute earlier or later, and crashed a little bit closer or further up, would anyone be able to give him CPR? What if he went home, went to bed early because he wasn't feeling well, and had a heart attack in bed? He takes me to the bus stop when he leaves for work, so I would have been the one to enter his bedroom, try to wake him up, and instead realise he was dead.
I've been thinking about this a lot, especially those first few days while he was in hospital. But only now, 10 days after the fact, am I realising just what could have happened. Yes, he would have died, I've gone over that in my head. But what would that mean? Father's Day is tomorrow, and my brother and I would have been fatherless for the first time ever. Also, his birthday is shortly after Father's Day, and we would have been mourning instead of celebrating.
It is so crazy to think how fleeting life is. It's so transient, and quick to change. You could start off your day just as you would any other, and it could randomly be your last. Suddenly you're here one day, and the next day you're not.
So the saying is true: we need to make the most out of our lives.
This is two-fold:
1. We need to take life seriously. The phrase carpe diem (seize the day) doesn't actually mean "YOLO LET'S PARTY AND HAVE FUN BECAUSE YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE!" No, the phrase actually means "I'm going to make the most out of today, and do as much as I can so that my future is better." In this case, we make the most out of our time on Earth by being productive, creating value, securing food and money so that we and our families can live a comfortable life.
2. On the other hand, we can't take life too seriously. We need to make the most out of life, but we also need to enjoy what we make of it.
So, ultimately, making the most out of life requires a fine balancing act that many of us (and especially me) have not yet mastered. But the next time you're staying back at work for the umpteenth time in a row, and missing your family, or missing the hobbies you love doing, then think about carpe diem: are you seizing the day? And the next time you find yourself slacking off, not making much progress on important things because "life is short, I need to enjoy it" and you've been enjoying it for a little too long, think about carpe diem: are you making the most out of your day?
Saturday 31 August 2019
Saturday 11 May 2019
If you could go back in time and change things in your life, would you?
It's a common hypothetical, and I think while a lot of people like to flirt with the ideas of being able to time travel, correct mistakes, prevent embarrassing situations, and pick the right lotto numbers, I think there is also a sense of security and confidence in us that many of us will answer "No". At least, that's my answer and I'm assuming others share my thoughts. But why?
I'm sure that if I could actually change something in my life it would be the things that have caused me the most pain. I'd prevent myself from getting depression, or engaging in disordered eating. I'd try to find a way to not have skin lupus. Heck, I'd even make sure I wrapped myself up extra warm in Nepal. This is of course not possible, but I like to entertain myself with the thought that there is some alternate reality Chloe out there who is exactly in that position. Her universe, one of the many in the multiverse that houses billions of alternate Chloes, is one in which she hasn't gone through the major struggles that I have gone through now. It's pleasant knowing that she didn't have to go through that hurt.
But at the same time I know she will have gone through her own struggles, just in different aspects of life. They might not be mental illness, but they might be physical.
Okay, but what if she could be exactly the same as I am now, just without those things?
Well, the truth is, I don't even know who that person would be. She wouldn't actually be exactly the same as me, because I am a result of all the difficulties that have been thrown at me. These certain struggles I've gone through, I have reacted to them in a specific way, I have acted against them in a certain way, and they have shaped me in a certain way.
Let's run this down quickly.
If I didn't have mental illness, I probably wouldn't have studied Psychology. I wouldn't have fallen in love with it, wanted to do Honours, and then wanted to do a PhD in it. I wouldn't have (before deciding to do a PhD) volunteered at various places in the hopes of getting experience for a Masters of Clinical Psychology. This includes: I wouldn't have volunteered at Lifeline and I wouldn't have met Scott.
I don't believe in soul mates, so I don't think that's a huge deal - I'm pretty sure alternate reality Chloe has someone in her life that she is equally happy about. But that doesn't matter. I'm not alternate reality Chloe, I'm the Chloe from this reality. And because this is my reality, I'm quite happy not to change anything in my past that might affect my current reality. But my relationship with Scott is not the most important thing.
The most important reason I would not change anything in my past is because I envision that my entire personality has been split into "Before Depression" and "After Depression".
Before I had depression I had these very rigid rules of thinking. I was very conservative, and I'm ashamed to say, very judgemental. I didn't believe in mental illness, and I also believed that people had to act a certain way in order to be "Good People". I was very religious and yet I guess I didn't really understand my religion.
When I got depression, my whole world caved in. Suddenly I was experiencing this thing that I had in the past proclaimed never existed. Having depression meant I was being punished, which meant I was a bad human being, a "Bad Christian".
I turned away from God and the church, and I hated, honestly hated, Christianity. I wrestled with God, half thinking he existed, but also wondering how he could exist in a world so full of bad.
When I turned away from this huge chunk of my identity for 18 years, I started questioning the things that I learnt. I asked questions, and I tried to understand things from different perspectives.
Nowadays, I still ask questions. I'd consider myself quite open-minded, and I always try my hardest to see things from someone else's perspectives - even if I disagree with them. I try not to judge, although I think we're all guilty of it. I think what matters is not that initial, automatic judgement that we make, but the follow-up to that judgement. "Do I really think that?" "Why do I think that?" "Is there a good reason why that person might have said or done that?" "Is there another way of looking at it?" "Can they still be a good person despite that thing they said or did?"
I also (quite recently) rediscovered my faith. And I still don't have all the answers and I still really don't know how God could operate in a world so full of pain, but I also know that having these doubts does not a "Bad Christian" make. I'm comfortable calling myself a Christian again, even if I'm no longer the poster child for it.
And I honestly think that if it weren't for my negative experiences, I wouldn't be in this position now. That alternate reality Chloe that my mind sometimes thinks about, well she's probably still really close-minded, judgemental, and not interested in Psychology. She's probably living in this bubble of ignorance of others' feelings.
And, she's probably really, really happy.
But she ain't me.
I'm sure that if I could actually change something in my life it would be the things that have caused me the most pain. I'd prevent myself from getting depression, or engaging in disordered eating. I'd try to find a way to not have skin lupus. Heck, I'd even make sure I wrapped myself up extra warm in Nepal. This is of course not possible, but I like to entertain myself with the thought that there is some alternate reality Chloe out there who is exactly in that position. Her universe, one of the many in the multiverse that houses billions of alternate Chloes, is one in which she hasn't gone through the major struggles that I have gone through now. It's pleasant knowing that she didn't have to go through that hurt.
But at the same time I know she will have gone through her own struggles, just in different aspects of life. They might not be mental illness, but they might be physical.
Okay, but what if she could be exactly the same as I am now, just without those things?
Well, the truth is, I don't even know who that person would be. She wouldn't actually be exactly the same as me, because I am a result of all the difficulties that have been thrown at me. These certain struggles I've gone through, I have reacted to them in a specific way, I have acted against them in a certain way, and they have shaped me in a certain way.
Let's run this down quickly.
If I didn't have mental illness, I probably wouldn't have studied Psychology. I wouldn't have fallen in love with it, wanted to do Honours, and then wanted to do a PhD in it. I wouldn't have (before deciding to do a PhD) volunteered at various places in the hopes of getting experience for a Masters of Clinical Psychology. This includes: I wouldn't have volunteered at Lifeline and I wouldn't have met Scott.
I don't believe in soul mates, so I don't think that's a huge deal - I'm pretty sure alternate reality Chloe has someone in her life that she is equally happy about. But that doesn't matter. I'm not alternate reality Chloe, I'm the Chloe from this reality. And because this is my reality, I'm quite happy not to change anything in my past that might affect my current reality. But my relationship with Scott is not the most important thing.
The most important reason I would not change anything in my past is because I envision that my entire personality has been split into "Before Depression" and "After Depression".
Before I had depression I had these very rigid rules of thinking. I was very conservative, and I'm ashamed to say, very judgemental. I didn't believe in mental illness, and I also believed that people had to act a certain way in order to be "Good People". I was very religious and yet I guess I didn't really understand my religion.
When I got depression, my whole world caved in. Suddenly I was experiencing this thing that I had in the past proclaimed never existed. Having depression meant I was being punished, which meant I was a bad human being, a "Bad Christian".
I turned away from God and the church, and I hated, honestly hated, Christianity. I wrestled with God, half thinking he existed, but also wondering how he could exist in a world so full of bad.
When I turned away from this huge chunk of my identity for 18 years, I started questioning the things that I learnt. I asked questions, and I tried to understand things from different perspectives.
Nowadays, I still ask questions. I'd consider myself quite open-minded, and I always try my hardest to see things from someone else's perspectives - even if I disagree with them. I try not to judge, although I think we're all guilty of it. I think what matters is not that initial, automatic judgement that we make, but the follow-up to that judgement. "Do I really think that?" "Why do I think that?" "Is there a good reason why that person might have said or done that?" "Is there another way of looking at it?" "Can they still be a good person despite that thing they said or did?"
I also (quite recently) rediscovered my faith. And I still don't have all the answers and I still really don't know how God could operate in a world so full of pain, but I also know that having these doubts does not a "Bad Christian" make. I'm comfortable calling myself a Christian again, even if I'm no longer the poster child for it.
And I honestly think that if it weren't for my negative experiences, I wouldn't be in this position now. That alternate reality Chloe that my mind sometimes thinks about, well she's probably still really close-minded, judgemental, and not interested in Psychology. She's probably living in this bubble of ignorance of others' feelings.
And, she's probably really, really happy.
But she ain't me.
Thursday 9 May 2019
MCU Rankings
Recently, Screen Junkies ranked all the MCU movies and I didn't agree with some of the rankings. So I decided to do my own list.
I'm aware that I have a recency bias since obviously movies I've watched more recently are more at the forefront of my mind than the ones I watched 10 years ago. I also have anchoring bias because I made my list while looking at the Screen Junkies' list. But whatever, I wrote it and it's done.
Disclaimer: There will be MILD SPOILERS for Endgame in this list. I won't be spoiling the plot or anything but sometimes people think that if I say "this movie was good" or "I didn't like the ending" or "the writing wasn't the best" then that in itself is a spoiler. If you are this person then don't read my bit for Endgame.
Image by /u/Joel_Tempero on Reddit
1. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
I didn't like the first Captain America, so I was really really blown away by this movie. We got a better glimpse into Captain America, I liked Black Widow a whole lot more, and we got Sebastian Freaking Stan in this! It's a great heist movie with great action sequences and great characterisation.
2. Avengers: Infinity War
This was the movie that all the movies were leading up to, all these things about the infinity stones that kept confusing me (Wait, what's the space stone? And what's the tesseract? Oh they're the same thing? Right.) finally came together and we got to see them all in action. I've been waiting for so long for these stones to make sense to me and man did it pay off! The way that they created character combos that we'd never seen before, and the ways they all used their unique powers/abilities to fight against Thanos was great.
3. Guardians of the Galaxy
For a movie to randomly introduce a bunch of randos we don't care about and still be funny, interesting, and all out entertaining... that really solidified how Marvel had us all wrapped around its finger.
4. Captain America: Civil War
I loved this movie because the idea of everyone fighting against their comrades was great. Also the airport scene and the 2v1 scene were just fantastic. I think the only thing that lets this movie down is how bizarre and out there Zemo's plan was - and how there didn't seem to be much room for error outside his very meticulous plan.
5. Avengers: Endgame
MILD SPOILERS ABOUT HOW I FELT ABOUT THIS FILM BUT NO PLOT SPOILERS:
Yes, I do think this movie was not as good as Infinity War. I think Endgame was very satisfying, but I have a few issues with some of the plot (I might write a blog about this later). It still makes top 5 though so don't kill me. After all, the action sequences, particularly at the end, were very satisfying.
6. Thor Ragnarok
Definitely the best Thor movie out there. It was just so high energy, colourful, and funny.
7. Black Panther
So I really loved this when I first watched it but when I rewatched it, it wasn't that great. It still gets points for showcasing this whole new world of Wakanda, and also for M'Baku.
8. Spider-Man: Homecoming
This was the best Spider-Man movie... until Into the Spiderverse. Still, I liked seeing Iron Man mentoring and being a father figure to Spider-Man, even developing his suit for him.
9. Doctor Strange
Ant-Man + Inception on steroids. Betadine Cumbersome. Dormammu, I've come to bargain. All great.
10. Ant-Man
Who would have thought a Paul Rudd Honey I Shrunk The Kids would have been so entertaining? Love me a good heist movie.
11. The Avengers
I think this movie doesn't hold up after the passage of time because we've seen a lot more epic fight scenes and a lot more characters since, but this was still a good movie and a good pay-off to all the individual Iron Man, Captain America, and Thor movies. (And I guess Hulk...)
12. Iron Man
I have to say I am biased against the Iron Man movies. For some reason I just didn't like them as much, but the origin story is definitely better than the sequels.
13. Thor
I quite liked Thor when I first saw it because I loved the world of Asgard and I thought Loki was a much better villain here than he was in The Avengers. It was also a great introduction of Chris Hemsworth as this out-of-touch out-of-time out-of-galaxy bumbling arrogant idiot who was just so fish-out-of-water.
14. Captain America: The First Avenger
I didn't like this movie, I don't know why. Especially given that I love love love Chris Evans and Captain America. I still like this movie for its story about why Steve Rogers is the perfect Captain America, but for some reason the movie just wasn't that great to me.
15. Ant-Man and the Wasp
This movie is quite recent and yet for some reason it's a bit forgettable. Still fun to see Paul Rudd have fun shrinking and flying with ants though.
16. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
This movie was fan service to the max and the whole Ego storyline was really quite bizarre to me. Not a fan.
17. Iron Man 3
I liked the idea of Iron Man needing to survive without his suit, him struggling with PTSD, and The Mandarin being a con. But this movie is also a bit forgettable.
18. Avengers: Age of Ultron
I liked this movie when it first came out, I think specifically because I liked Scarlet Witch. Over time though, it's not the best, and it's a bit chaotic. Best thing was the hammer scene though.
19. Captain Marvel
I really didn't like this movie. The writing wasn't great, the movie was chaotic and all over the place, and I really don't like Bire Larsen as Captain Marvel. I also just don't like the character and her undefined powers.
20. Iron Man 2
These last three movies... I can't remember much. So they're all sort of tied in last place so I just left them in the order that Screen Junkies left them in.
21. Thor: The Dark World
This movie was so forgettable, all I remember is being like "Loki is really pissing me off when he keeps coming back to life".
22. The Incredible Hulk
I'm not even going to comment on this one I barely remember it.
I'm aware that I have a recency bias since obviously movies I've watched more recently are more at the forefront of my mind than the ones I watched 10 years ago. I also have anchoring bias because I made my list while looking at the Screen Junkies' list. But whatever, I wrote it and it's done.
Disclaimer: There will be MILD SPOILERS for Endgame in this list. I won't be spoiling the plot or anything but sometimes people think that if I say "this movie was good" or "I didn't like the ending" or "the writing wasn't the best" then that in itself is a spoiler. If you are this person then don't read my bit for Endgame.
1. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
I didn't like the first Captain America, so I was really really blown away by this movie. We got a better glimpse into Captain America, I liked Black Widow a whole lot more, and we got Sebastian Freaking Stan in this! It's a great heist movie with great action sequences and great characterisation.
2. Avengers: Infinity War
This was the movie that all the movies were leading up to, all these things about the infinity stones that kept confusing me (Wait, what's the space stone? And what's the tesseract? Oh they're the same thing? Right.) finally came together and we got to see them all in action. I've been waiting for so long for these stones to make sense to me and man did it pay off! The way that they created character combos that we'd never seen before, and the ways they all used their unique powers/abilities to fight against Thanos was great.
3. Guardians of the Galaxy
For a movie to randomly introduce a bunch of randos we don't care about and still be funny, interesting, and all out entertaining... that really solidified how Marvel had us all wrapped around its finger.
4. Captain America: Civil War
I loved this movie because the idea of everyone fighting against their comrades was great. Also the airport scene and the 2v1 scene were just fantastic. I think the only thing that lets this movie down is how bizarre and out there Zemo's plan was - and how there didn't seem to be much room for error outside his very meticulous plan.
5. Avengers: Endgame
MILD SPOILERS ABOUT HOW I FELT ABOUT THIS FILM BUT NO PLOT SPOILERS:
Yes, I do think this movie was not as good as Infinity War. I think Endgame was very satisfying, but I have a few issues with some of the plot (I might write a blog about this later). It still makes top 5 though so don't kill me. After all, the action sequences, particularly at the end, were very satisfying.
6. Thor Ragnarok
Definitely the best Thor movie out there. It was just so high energy, colourful, and funny.
7. Black Panther
So I really loved this when I first watched it but when I rewatched it, it wasn't that great. It still gets points for showcasing this whole new world of Wakanda, and also for M'Baku.
8. Spider-Man: Homecoming
This was the best Spider-Man movie... until Into the Spiderverse. Still, I liked seeing Iron Man mentoring and being a father figure to Spider-Man, even developing his suit for him.
9. Doctor Strange
Ant-Man + Inception on steroids. Betadine Cumbersome. Dormammu, I've come to bargain. All great.
10. Ant-Man
Who would have thought a Paul Rudd Honey I Shrunk The Kids would have been so entertaining? Love me a good heist movie.
11. The Avengers
I think this movie doesn't hold up after the passage of time because we've seen a lot more epic fight scenes and a lot more characters since, but this was still a good movie and a good pay-off to all the individual Iron Man, Captain America, and Thor movies. (And I guess Hulk...)
12. Iron Man
I have to say I am biased against the Iron Man movies. For some reason I just didn't like them as much, but the origin story is definitely better than the sequels.
13. Thor
I quite liked Thor when I first saw it because I loved the world of Asgard and I thought Loki was a much better villain here than he was in The Avengers. It was also a great introduction of Chris Hemsworth as this out-of-touch out-of-time out-of-galaxy bumbling arrogant idiot who was just so fish-out-of-water.
14. Captain America: The First Avenger
I didn't like this movie, I don't know why. Especially given that I love love love Chris Evans and Captain America. I still like this movie for its story about why Steve Rogers is the perfect Captain America, but for some reason the movie just wasn't that great to me.
15. Ant-Man and the Wasp
This movie is quite recent and yet for some reason it's a bit forgettable. Still fun to see Paul Rudd have fun shrinking and flying with ants though.
16. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
This movie was fan service to the max and the whole Ego storyline was really quite bizarre to me. Not a fan.
17. Iron Man 3
I liked the idea of Iron Man needing to survive without his suit, him struggling with PTSD, and The Mandarin being a con. But this movie is also a bit forgettable.
18. Avengers: Age of Ultron
I liked this movie when it first came out, I think specifically because I liked Scarlet Witch. Over time though, it's not the best, and it's a bit chaotic. Best thing was the hammer scene though.
19. Captain Marvel
I really didn't like this movie. The writing wasn't great, the movie was chaotic and all over the place, and I really don't like Bire Larsen as Captain Marvel. I also just don't like the character and her undefined powers.
20. Iron Man 2
These last three movies... I can't remember much. So they're all sort of tied in last place so I just left them in the order that Screen Junkies left them in.
21. Thor: The Dark World
This movie was so forgettable, all I remember is being like "Loki is really pissing me off when he keeps coming back to life".
22. The Incredible Hulk
I'm not even going to comment on this one I barely remember it.
Friday 26 April 2019
Let's talk Endgame. [[IMMENSE SPOILERS]]
Time to dust off my blog and talk Endgame.
And I'm warning you - there are obviously going to be insane insane insane spoilers ahead so please, if you haven't seen this movie yet then DON'T PROCEED.
And if you have - DON'T spoil it for others!!!
You have been warned.
I wasn't sure how to do this but I think the most sensible thing is to go through my initial reactions to each major scene of the movie.
Starting with:
Damn, we all knew what was going to happen to Hawkeye's family, and yet, when it happened, it was still such a heartbreaking shock. He didn't even actually see the dusting, so he was literally clueless as to what happened. Suddenly his entire family disappears and it's just silence. I love that the camera just lingered on him. He's trying to find his family and he runs aimlessly around looking for them but there's nowhere to run to, nowhere to go.
And then he gets angry. But mainly, he feels guilty. He took the deal to be on house arrest to spend time with his family, but then because of that he wasn't able to help in the fight against Thanos. He's lost all hope, and he becomes Ronin, a merciless assassin killing off ganglords around the world. They should have been the ones to die in the Snappening, not his family.
Cut to Nebula and Iron Man stuck in space, running low on food and oxygen. I loved seeing Iron Man teaching Nebula how to play Finger Football; after all, she's never had some friendly competition (losing meant some major rewiring).
I loved seeing Nebula care for Iron Man. She's had a great arc over the course of the series and I feel really sorry for her. She was pitted against her sister, pulled apart and rebuilt every time she lost, she was always made to feel inferior, then when she finally believes she is strong enough to repair her relationship with her sister and go against her father, Gamora is taken away from her, her father wipes out half the universe, and she is left to die in the middle of nowhere.
I also thought the CGI for making Iron Man emaciated was really well done. It was so shocking to see him in that state...
But then Captain Marvel comes and saves the day! Honestly I really did not like Captain Marvel (2019) because I didn't like Brie's acting, the writing, and even her superpowers just seem too overkill. It's the same reason why I don't like Superman. I'm glad that she wasn't in the film too much, and happy that one of her few scenes was saving Iron Man's life, because that was a relief.
Art by /u/Ellejart on Reddit.
They've located Thanos. He's in this retirement planet where he's become a disabled farmer and suddenly Captain Marvel just bulldozes into him and Thor kills him faster than you can snap your fingers! (too soon?)
But of course it's too late. I feel truly sorry for Thor. He finds out he has a sister, has to kill her, his father dies, then his entire kingdom gets demolished and his people have to flee into outer space, where they are immediately attacked by Thanos. Then he goes through all this trouble of attaining Stormbreaker and when he finally hits Thanos, he misses and he's the one that witnesses up close the Snappening. He must have been replaying that moment in his head over and over again, thinking, "What if I just hit him in the head!!!" Then there's the chance to get the stones back, but by the time they can overcome Thanos, the stones are destroyed. Knowing the stones are gone, he takes out all his rage on Thanos. If only he did it properly the first time. The guilt becomes too much to handle as we see later on...
Wow, what a shock when it said YEARS instead of MONTHS. That is a long time. Think about 5 years ago, in 2014. The Marvel films coming out that year were Captain America: The Winter Soldier and The Guardians of the Galaxy. I mean, that was a long time ago. Black Widow's trying to keep her Shield family together, trying to do good in a world where she was born and bred as an assassin. Cap's running group therapy, trying to tell a bunch of guys and himself to move on, but how do you move on in a world like this? It's difficult enough moving on when it's your own personal tragedy, but here there is tragedy on a universal level. The whole universe is mourning, still unsure of what happened or how. Part of the process of moving on is continuing like normal, which is easier when the rest of the world actually is normal. Here, there is no normal, there is no moving on.
Damn I'm glad that the timeline we get to see is the one where the rat so happens to press the right buttons for Ant-Man to exit the quantum realm. I felt really sorry for him in this moment too (sensing a theme here?). One second you're just casually entering the quantum realm, you know, just your typical Tuesday, then 5 hours later you shoot out 5 years into the future, and Earth isn't the same. I was so so so happy when he found Cassie, but was so sad that she was all grown up and not her cute cuddly self anymore. He missed 5 years of her life.
But on a related note, the fact that he thought it was only 5 hours in the quantum realm when it was actually 5 years... this doesn't seem to tee up with the OG Wasp being stuck in the quantum realm for decades and still ageing. So if someone can explain how Michelle Pfeiffer aged in real time whereas Ant-Man didn't, please tell me why! Although we do know that Paul Rudd doesn't seem to age at all, so... yeah.
One question: why wasn't Okoye part of their time travel missions? What exactly was she doing? I felt like they could have used all the help they needed but maybe this could just be explained by them only having a certain number of Pym particle tubes so they had to limit the number of people that could go. Okay I just answered my own question.
But this was a fun little sequence. Hulk and Banner are now... Hanner? Bulk? Bannulk? Hulker? I don't really know, but it's weird. And I agree with Valkyrie: I prefer him as either of the other two rather than a mix of the both of them. In the end he didn't even really do much as Bulk, so it seemed like a waste of an interesting premise.
Then there was Fat Thor, who I found really funny but some others thought he was overdoing it on the whole alcoholism thing. I think it seemed pretty realistic for him to spiral - he's always been arrogant and able to rule over and protect his people, with the guidance of his parents. But suddenly his parents are gone, and he has been overpowered and so many of his people were decimated. All because he didn't aim right the first time. I think it's not unrealistic for him to want to pretend it never happened.
Art by Yours Truly.
I LOVE time travel movies so this was fantastic for me. Just like in Back to the Future, I love seeing them go back to a moment we already know, and then see a different perspective of that scene play out.
Nice to see Tilda Swinton back as The Ancient One, and it was nice to see her do the math on trying to figure out why Doctor Strange traded the time stone in exchange for Tony's life (although, in the end, we see that he wasn't saving Tony's life at all...).
On the other side of New York, Tony and Ant-Man lose the Tesseract. I literally freaked out at this point, and aimlessly shuffled in my seat into a new position because I got so antsy when this happened! But does this mean that Loki is no longer dead? Surely... surely this creates some sort of hole in the timelines and they can't really return to their original timeline??!?! But whatever. It's never mentioned again, they can just go back to 1970. I thought it was funny how Tony spoke to his father and gave him some advice, and I like to think that Tony in this new timeline has a better relationship with his father because of it. Too bad different timelines aren't a thing but sort of are in this movie???
The best part HAS to be Captain America getting the scepter though. I was so excited for a rehash of the elevator scene in The Winter Soldier but him just saying, "Nah, it's alright. .........(hail hydra)" was so hilarious my theatre cracked up at that. And then him running into his past self, who says "I can do this all day", and he just annoyingly says, "Yeah, I know!" And then he has the quick thinking again to get out "Bucky. Is. Alive!" before konking himself on the head and knocking his past self out. I honestly think that was one of the best scenes of the movie.
(I couldn't find any pictures of Fat Thor or Rocket in Asgard)
Art by juank007 on Zedge.
Then we're back on Asgard, Thor has a breakdown, Rocket talks him sort of out of it, but his mother does a better job. There wasn't much to see here but I was pleasantly surprised they even got Natalie Portman to do a tiny cameo in here, and did present-day Thor just steal past-Thor's hammer?! So much for not messing up the timelines... Although I read that since Cap left with the hammer, maybe he returned it to him the second it flew out of his hand.
This was another interesting sequence. Nebula and Rhodes are on Morag where we see Quill doing his own silent rave. I loved the bit where Nebula's hand gets fried to the metallic bone, and she looks so sad, saying, "I wasn't always like this." It's interesting how the writers chose to do the pairings - both Rhodes and Nebula can bond over the fact that they were "re-built" and now "part machine".
When Thanos hacks into present-day Nebula's network, holy cow I was squirming! First Loki and the tesseract and now Thanos knows that he actually WINS in the future?!
Gamora was lovely to see again, though, and especially at the time right when we first meet her in Guardians where she is already planning her escape.
Then, alas... Black Widow and Hawkeye arrive in Vormir. Sigh.
This was so upsetting, just seeing them fight each other over who gets to die. But of course it had to be Black Widow. Hawkeye had a family after all, and Black Widow has forever been looking for redemption from her days as an assassin. It was just so sad to see it all actually happen. I was sobbing at this stage, trying to keep it in as she tells Hawkeye to let her go. It was so brutal. And she fell in almost the exact same position that Gamora did.
Still from this video.
So now we know why they made Bulk a thing. They just needed someone who could withstand the power of the stones. And even Bulk couldn't fully withstand it, his arm is still wrecked by the end of the movie.
But the Snap happens, or un-happens, and everyone seems to be back?
But oh snap! Past-Nebula has taken the place of present-day Nebula and brings past-Thanos into the future (present-day)!
He has an entire army, and it looks like our favourite Avengers will soon be defeated.
But oh snap! Cap is worthy and him and Fat Thor are just duoing it up between Mjölnir and Stormbreaker. My cinema cheered when this happened - it was such a great moment. But remember in Age of Ultron when Cap wasn't able to lift it up fully? Does that mean since that movie he has now become more worthy? I quite like that because I do think that Cap has grown a lot over the last couple of movies.
But still, this ain't enough and our Avengers are still being over-powered!
But the un-Snappening worked, and we know for sure that everyone's back. Hawkeye's family, the Pyms, the Wakandan armies, and ALL the sorcerers in all those sanctums. I just like to imagine Doctor Strange telepathically communicating with all of them, saying, "Guys, we gotta get portals to bring The Wasp in. Oh and also the Wakandans. Oh, and also Pepper. Is that it? Is that everyone? Okay cool, then just portal yourselves all over."
Logistics aside, it was INSANE watching all those armies come out of those portals, my cinema went INSANE everytime a character flew back on screen - Falcon, Bucky, Spiderman, Black Panther, Scarlet Witch - everyone was here. And the fight scenes here were insanely spectacular. I also loved that precious moment between Spider-Man and Iron Man, and I was happy to hear that those who were snapped didn't suffer as much (Spider-Man mentioned that he just felt like he passed out and woke up again).
So it seems to be that the one in 14 million timeline has to have Captain Marvel come in, take on Thanos, and be so strong that Thanos has to actually rip out the power stone to get rid of Captain Marvel. Now that the gauntlet doesn't have all five stones in it anymore, Tony pounces, meshes his nanotech to the glove, picks up the stones, and snaps Thanos away. "I am Iron Man" indeed.
That moment where Doctor Strange looks up and gestures "1" was so powerful. In that moment, everything falls into place. Iron Man knows - his life was traded before for a reason. Now he's going to have to trade it back.
Tony dies, surrounded by his Iron family, and he is told that he can finally rest now. A funeral is held, and his daughter will forever remember that her father was the one who saved the universe.
I really liked the "Proof that Tony Stark has a heart" - there was proof in more than just one way. But I honestly thought the camera was going to pan down to further in the water where a similar wreath would be floating, except this time it would have the words "Natasha Romanoff" on it. I'm really upset they didn't give her a proper funeral, because without her, Tony wouldn't have been able to sacrifice his life.
But the funeral was nice, and it was nice to see everyone included in it, even Michelle Pfeiffer. Although there was some random boy at the back that threw me off, but apparently it's the kid from Iron Man 3. I don't know how appropriate it was to include him in that scene, because he looks so different and unrecognisable and really just confused everyone in the cinema.
Art by @BossLogic on Twitter.
Even though I swear this messes up with the timelines, and he must be like 100 years old when he shows up on that bench, I'm happy that Cap finally got to have that dance with Peggy.
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And I'm warning you - there are obviously going to be insane insane insane spoilers ahead so please, if you haven't seen this movie yet then DON'T PROCEED.
And if you have - DON'T spoil it for others!!!
You have been warned.
I wasn't sure how to do this but I think the most sensible thing is to go through my initial reactions to each major scene of the movie.
Starting with:
I. The Birth of Ronin.
Damn, we all knew what was going to happen to Hawkeye's family, and yet, when it happened, it was still such a heartbreaking shock. He didn't even actually see the dusting, so he was literally clueless as to what happened. Suddenly his entire family disappears and it's just silence. I love that the camera just lingered on him. He's trying to find his family and he runs aimlessly around looking for them but there's nowhere to run to, nowhere to go.
And then he gets angry. But mainly, he feels guilty. He took the deal to be on house arrest to spend time with his family, but then because of that he wasn't able to help in the fight against Thanos. He's lost all hope, and he becomes Ronin, a merciless assassin killing off ganglords around the world. They should have been the ones to die in the Snappening, not his family.
II. Nebula Makes a Friend.
Cut to Nebula and Iron Man stuck in space, running low on food and oxygen. I loved seeing Iron Man teaching Nebula how to play Finger Football; after all, she's never had some friendly competition (losing meant some major rewiring).
I loved seeing Nebula care for Iron Man. She's had a great arc over the course of the series and I feel really sorry for her. She was pitted against her sister, pulled apart and rebuilt every time she lost, she was always made to feel inferior, then when she finally believes she is strong enough to repair her relationship with her sister and go against her father, Gamora is taken away from her, her father wipes out half the universe, and she is left to die in the middle of nowhere.
I also thought the CGI for making Iron Man emaciated was really well done. It was so shocking to see him in that state...
But then Captain Marvel comes and saves the day! Honestly I really did not like Captain Marvel (2019) because I didn't like Brie's acting, the writing, and even her superpowers just seem too overkill. It's the same reason why I don't like Superman. I'm glad that she wasn't in the film too much, and happy that one of her few scenes was saving Iron Man's life, because that was a relief.
III. Thor Goes For the Head.
They've located Thanos. He's in this retirement planet where he's become a disabled farmer and suddenly Captain Marvel just bulldozes into him and Thor kills him faster than you can snap your fingers! (too soon?)
But of course it's too late. I feel truly sorry for Thor. He finds out he has a sister, has to kill her, his father dies, then his entire kingdom gets demolished and his people have to flee into outer space, where they are immediately attacked by Thanos. Then he goes through all this trouble of attaining Stormbreaker and when he finally hits Thanos, he misses and he's the one that witnesses up close the Snappening. He must have been replaying that moment in his head over and over again, thinking, "What if I just hit him in the head!!!" Then there's the chance to get the stones back, but by the time they can overcome Thanos, the stones are destroyed. Knowing the stones are gone, he takes out all his rage on Thanos. If only he did it properly the first time. The guilt becomes too much to handle as we see later on...
IV. Five... Years. Later.
Wow, what a shock when it said YEARS instead of MONTHS. That is a long time. Think about 5 years ago, in 2014. The Marvel films coming out that year were Captain America: The Winter Soldier and The Guardians of the Galaxy. I mean, that was a long time ago. Black Widow's trying to keep her Shield family together, trying to do good in a world where she was born and bred as an assassin. Cap's running group therapy, trying to tell a bunch of guys and himself to move on, but how do you move on in a world like this? It's difficult enough moving on when it's your own personal tragedy, but here there is tragedy on a universal level. The whole universe is mourning, still unsure of what happened or how. Part of the process of moving on is continuing like normal, which is easier when the rest of the world actually is normal. Here, there is no normal, there is no moving on.
V. One in Fourteen-Million Rat.
Damn I'm glad that the timeline we get to see is the one where the rat so happens to press the right buttons for Ant-Man to exit the quantum realm. I felt really sorry for him in this moment too (sensing a theme here?). One second you're just casually entering the quantum realm, you know, just your typical Tuesday, then 5 hours later you shoot out 5 years into the future, and Earth isn't the same. I was so so so happy when he found Cassie, but was so sad that she was all grown up and not her cute cuddly self anymore. He missed 5 years of her life.
But on a related note, the fact that he thought it was only 5 hours in the quantum realm when it was actually 5 years... this doesn't seem to tee up with the OG Wasp being stuck in the quantum realm for decades and still ageing. So if someone can explain how Michelle Pfeiffer aged in real time whereas Ant-Man didn't, please tell me why! Although we do know that Paul Rudd doesn't seem to age at all, so... yeah.
VI. Avengers Re-assemble.
One question: why wasn't Okoye part of their time travel missions? What exactly was she doing? I felt like they could have used all the help they needed but maybe this could just be explained by them only having a certain number of Pym particle tubes so they had to limit the number of people that could go. Okay I just answered my own question.
But this was a fun little sequence. Hulk and Banner are now... Hanner? Bulk? Bannulk? Hulker? I don't really know, but it's weird. And I agree with Valkyrie: I prefer him as either of the other two rather than a mix of the both of them. In the end he didn't even really do much as Bulk, so it seemed like a waste of an interesting premise.
Then there was Fat Thor, who I found really funny but some others thought he was overdoing it on the whole alcoholism thing. I think it seemed pretty realistic for him to spiral - he's always been arrogant and able to rule over and protect his people, with the guidance of his parents. But suddenly his parents are gone, and he has been overpowered and so many of his people were decimated. All because he didn't aim right the first time. I think it's not unrealistic for him to want to pretend it never happened.
VII. Back to the Future Part 1: New York.
I LOVE time travel movies so this was fantastic for me. Just like in Back to the Future, I love seeing them go back to a moment we already know, and then see a different perspective of that scene play out.
Nice to see Tilda Swinton back as The Ancient One, and it was nice to see her do the math on trying to figure out why Doctor Strange traded the time stone in exchange for Tony's life (although, in the end, we see that he wasn't saving Tony's life at all...).
On the other side of New York, Tony and Ant-Man lose the Tesseract. I literally freaked out at this point, and aimlessly shuffled in my seat into a new position because I got so antsy when this happened! But does this mean that Loki is no longer dead? Surely... surely this creates some sort of hole in the timelines and they can't really return to their original timeline??!?! But whatever. It's never mentioned again, they can just go back to 1970. I thought it was funny how Tony spoke to his father and gave him some advice, and I like to think that Tony in this new timeline has a better relationship with his father because of it. Too bad different timelines aren't a thing but sort of are in this movie???
The best part HAS to be Captain America getting the scepter though. I was so excited for a rehash of the elevator scene in The Winter Soldier but him just saying, "Nah, it's alright. .........(hail hydra)" was so hilarious my theatre cracked up at that. And then him running into his past self, who says "I can do this all day", and he just annoyingly says, "Yeah, I know!" And then he has the quick thinking again to get out "Bucky. Is. Alive!" before konking himself on the head and knocking his past self out. I honestly think that was one of the best scenes of the movie.
VIII. Back to the Future Part 2: Asgard.
Art by juank007 on Zedge.
Then we're back on Asgard, Thor has a breakdown, Rocket talks him sort of out of it, but his mother does a better job. There wasn't much to see here but I was pleasantly surprised they even got Natalie Portman to do a tiny cameo in here, and did present-day Thor just steal past-Thor's hammer?! So much for not messing up the timelines... Although I read that since Cap left with the hammer, maybe he returned it to him the second it flew out of his hand.
IX. Back to the Future Part 3: Space: The Final Frontier.
This was another interesting sequence. Nebula and Rhodes are on Morag where we see Quill doing his own silent rave. I loved the bit where Nebula's hand gets fried to the metallic bone, and she looks so sad, saying, "I wasn't always like this." It's interesting how the writers chose to do the pairings - both Rhodes and Nebula can bond over the fact that they were "re-built" and now "part machine".
When Thanos hacks into present-day Nebula's network, holy cow I was squirming! First Loki and the tesseract and now Thanos knows that he actually WINS in the future?!
Gamora was lovely to see again, though, and especially at the time right when we first meet her in Guardians where she is already planning her escape.
Then, alas... Black Widow and Hawkeye arrive in Vormir. Sigh.
This was so upsetting, just seeing them fight each other over who gets to die. But of course it had to be Black Widow. Hawkeye had a family after all, and Black Widow has forever been looking for redemption from her days as an assassin. It was just so sad to see it all actually happen. I was sobbing at this stage, trying to keep it in as she tells Hawkeye to let her go. It was so brutal. And she fell in almost the exact same position that Gamora did.
X. Oh Snap!
So now we know why they made Bulk a thing. They just needed someone who could withstand the power of the stones. And even Bulk couldn't fully withstand it, his arm is still wrecked by the end of the movie.
But the Snap happens, or un-happens, and everyone seems to be back?
But oh snap! Past-Nebula has taken the place of present-day Nebula and brings past-Thanos into the future (present-day)!
He has an entire army, and it looks like our favourite Avengers will soon be defeated.
But oh snap! Cap is worthy and him and Fat Thor are just duoing it up between Mjölnir and Stormbreaker. My cinema cheered when this happened - it was such a great moment. But remember in Age of Ultron when Cap wasn't able to lift it up fully? Does that mean since that movie he has now become more worthy? I quite like that because I do think that Cap has grown a lot over the last couple of movies.
But still, this ain't enough and our Avengers are still being over-powered!
But the un-Snappening worked, and we know for sure that everyone's back. Hawkeye's family, the Pyms, the Wakandan armies, and ALL the sorcerers in all those sanctums. I just like to imagine Doctor Strange telepathically communicating with all of them, saying, "Guys, we gotta get portals to bring The Wasp in. Oh and also the Wakandans. Oh, and also Pepper. Is that it? Is that everyone? Okay cool, then just portal yourselves all over."
Logistics aside, it was INSANE watching all those armies come out of those portals, my cinema went INSANE everytime a character flew back on screen - Falcon, Bucky, Spiderman, Black Panther, Scarlet Witch - everyone was here. And the fight scenes here were insanely spectacular. I also loved that precious moment between Spider-Man and Iron Man, and I was happy to hear that those who were snapped didn't suffer as much (Spider-Man mentioned that he just felt like he passed out and woke up again).
XI. The Endgame.
So it seems to be that the one in 14 million timeline has to have Captain Marvel come in, take on Thanos, and be so strong that Thanos has to actually rip out the power stone to get rid of Captain Marvel. Now that the gauntlet doesn't have all five stones in it anymore, Tony pounces, meshes his nanotech to the glove, picks up the stones, and snaps Thanos away. "I am Iron Man" indeed.
That moment where Doctor Strange looks up and gestures "1" was so powerful. In that moment, everything falls into place. Iron Man knows - his life was traded before for a reason. Now he's going to have to trade it back.
Tony dies, surrounded by his Iron family, and he is told that he can finally rest now. A funeral is held, and his daughter will forever remember that her father was the one who saved the universe.
I really liked the "Proof that Tony Stark has a heart" - there was proof in more than just one way. But I honestly thought the camera was going to pan down to further in the water where a similar wreath would be floating, except this time it would have the words "Natasha Romanoff" on it. I'm really upset they didn't give her a proper funeral, because without her, Tony wouldn't have been able to sacrifice his life.
But the funeral was nice, and it was nice to see everyone included in it, even Michelle Pfeiffer. Although there was some random boy at the back that threw me off, but apparently it's the kid from Iron Man 3. I don't know how appropriate it was to include him in that scene, because he looks so different and unrecognisable and really just confused everyone in the cinema.
XII. Cap Gets a Life.
Even though I swear this messes up with the timelines, and he must be like 100 years old when he shows up on that bench, I'm happy that Cap finally got to have that dance with Peggy.
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Thursday 21 March 2019
You will never be good enough.
I have never been good enough.
My extremely high standards can only be met by someone who is physically non-human, so it's a miracle that I can ever be happy with or proud of myself at all. Don't get me wrong, those instances are rare.
Lately more so than ever I have felt the stench of imposter syndrome slowly creeping in. No longer in my peripherals, it fogs over my entire life and the insecurity is pounding louder than ever before.
I feel it in every domain of my life.
I feel like one day Scott is going to realise that I'm a terrible girlfriend who doesn't deserve his patience, kindness, and support.
I sit at my desk fearing the day that someone walks up to me and demands to take my PhD off of me. They will say, "You don't have a clue about what you're doing. You don't deserve this. You will never be good enough for this. Give it back so we can give it to someone who actually deserves it."
I do my work hoping I won't get fired because I feel like I'm wandering around in the dark and my hands are tied behind my back so I can't even feel my way through. People may be looking at their own computers, but I feel their mental eyes sizing me up, seeing right through me, knowing that I conned my way in and the only achievement for me is to be a disappointment.
People say I'm an inspiration because of how far I've come with the depression and eating disorder I've experienced. I want to yell at them, "How on earth am I an inspiration?! I don't know what the hell I'm doing! I like to wallow in self pity and cry myself to sleep, is that your idea of an inspiration?! Because it's pathetic."
And this smell of bullshit has been lingering for so long that I no longer know where the source of it is. I've tried to ignore it for so long that all I've managed to do is keep walking through it, spreading it everywhere, rubbing it deeper into the carpet, where it can't be removed any more.
And worst of all, this sense of impending doom and self-insufficiency is just plain tiring. It's exhausting. I don't want to feel like this. And I don't want the answer to be, "Everyone feels like this." Because all that means is that everyone feels just as shit as I do, and everyone is tired.
My extremely high standards can only be met by someone who is physically non-human, so it's a miracle that I can ever be happy with or proud of myself at all. Don't get me wrong, those instances are rare.
Lately more so than ever I have felt the stench of imposter syndrome slowly creeping in. No longer in my peripherals, it fogs over my entire life and the insecurity is pounding louder than ever before.
I feel it in every domain of my life.
I feel like one day Scott is going to realise that I'm a terrible girlfriend who doesn't deserve his patience, kindness, and support.
I sit at my desk fearing the day that someone walks up to me and demands to take my PhD off of me. They will say, "You don't have a clue about what you're doing. You don't deserve this. You will never be good enough for this. Give it back so we can give it to someone who actually deserves it."
I do my work hoping I won't get fired because I feel like I'm wandering around in the dark and my hands are tied behind my back so I can't even feel my way through. People may be looking at their own computers, but I feel their mental eyes sizing me up, seeing right through me, knowing that I conned my way in and the only achievement for me is to be a disappointment.
People say I'm an inspiration because of how far I've come with the depression and eating disorder I've experienced. I want to yell at them, "How on earth am I an inspiration?! I don't know what the hell I'm doing! I like to wallow in self pity and cry myself to sleep, is that your idea of an inspiration?! Because it's pathetic."
And this smell of bullshit has been lingering for so long that I no longer know where the source of it is. I've tried to ignore it for so long that all I've managed to do is keep walking through it, spreading it everywhere, rubbing it deeper into the carpet, where it can't be removed any more.
And worst of all, this sense of impending doom and self-insufficiency is just plain tiring. It's exhausting. I don't want to feel like this. And I don't want the answer to be, "Everyone feels like this." Because all that means is that everyone feels just as shit as I do, and everyone is tired.
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