It's a common hypothetical, and I think while a lot of people like to flirt with the ideas of being able to time travel, correct mistakes, prevent embarrassing situations, and pick the right lotto numbers, I think there is also a sense of security and confidence in us that many of us will answer "No". At least, that's my answer and I'm assuming others share my thoughts. But why?
I'm sure that if I could actually change something in my life it would be the things that have caused me the most pain. I'd prevent myself from getting depression, or engaging in disordered eating. I'd try to find a way to not have skin lupus. Heck, I'd even make sure I wrapped myself up extra warm in Nepal. This is of course not possible, but I like to entertain myself with the thought that there is some alternate reality Chloe out there who is exactly in that position. Her universe, one of the many in the multiverse that houses billions of alternate Chloes, is one in which she hasn't gone through the major struggles that I have gone through now. It's pleasant knowing that she didn't have to go through that hurt.
But at the same time I know she will have gone through her own struggles, just in different aspects of life. They might not be mental illness, but they might be physical.
Okay, but what if she could be exactly the same as I am now, just without those things?
Well, the truth is, I don't even know who that person would be. She wouldn't actually be exactly the same as me, because I am a result of all the difficulties that have been thrown at me. These certain struggles I've gone through, I have reacted to them in a specific way, I have acted against them in a certain way, and they have shaped me in a certain way.
Let's run this down quickly.
If I didn't have mental illness, I probably wouldn't have studied Psychology. I wouldn't have fallen in love with it, wanted to do Honours, and then wanted to do a PhD in it. I wouldn't have (before deciding to do a PhD) volunteered at various places in the hopes of getting experience for a Masters of Clinical Psychology. This includes: I wouldn't have volunteered at Lifeline and I wouldn't have met Scott.
I don't believe in soul mates, so I don't think that's a huge deal - I'm pretty sure alternate reality Chloe has someone in her life that she is equally happy about. But that doesn't matter. I'm not alternate reality Chloe, I'm the Chloe from this reality. And because this is my reality, I'm quite happy not to change anything in my past that might affect my current reality. But my relationship with Scott is not the most important thing.
The most important reason I would not change anything in my past is because I envision that my entire personality has been split into "Before Depression" and "After Depression".
Before I had depression I had these very rigid rules of thinking. I was very conservative, and I'm ashamed to say, very judgemental. I didn't believe in mental illness, and I also believed that people had to act a certain way in order to be "Good People". I was very religious and yet I guess I didn't really understand my religion.
When I got depression, my whole world caved in. Suddenly I was experiencing this thing that I had in the past proclaimed never existed. Having depression meant I was being punished, which meant I was a bad human being, a "Bad Christian".
I turned away from God and the church, and I hated, honestly hated, Christianity. I wrestled with God, half thinking he existed, but also wondering how he could exist in a world so full of bad.
When I turned away from this huge chunk of my identity for 18 years, I started questioning the things that I learnt. I asked questions, and I tried to understand things from different perspectives.
Nowadays, I still ask questions. I'd consider myself quite open-minded, and I always try my hardest to see things from someone else's perspectives - even if I disagree with them. I try not to judge, although I think we're all guilty of it. I think what matters is not that initial, automatic judgement that we make, but the follow-up to that judgement. "Do I really think that?" "Why do I think that?" "Is there a good reason why that person might have said or done that?" "Is there another way of looking at it?" "Can they still be a good person despite that thing they said or did?"
I also (quite recently) rediscovered my faith. And I still don't have all the answers and I still really don't know how God could operate in a world so full of pain, but I also know that having these doubts does not a "Bad Christian" make. I'm comfortable calling myself a Christian again, even if I'm no longer the poster child for it.
And I honestly think that if it weren't for my negative experiences, I wouldn't be in this position now. That alternate reality Chloe that my mind sometimes thinks about, well she's probably still really close-minded, judgemental, and not interested in Psychology. She's probably living in this bubble of ignorance of others' feelings.
And, she's probably really, really happy.
But she ain't me.
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