It's a common hypothetical, and I think while a lot of people like to flirt with the ideas of being able to time travel, correct mistakes, prevent embarrassing situations, and pick the right lotto numbers, I think there is also a sense of security and confidence in us that many of us will answer "No". At least, that's my answer and I'm assuming others share my thoughts. But why?
I'm sure that if I could actually change something in my life it would be the things that have caused me the most pain. I'd prevent myself from getting depression, or engaging in disordered eating. I'd try to find a way to not have skin lupus. Heck, I'd even make sure I wrapped myself up extra warm in Nepal. This is of course not possible, but I like to entertain myself with the thought that there is some alternate reality Chloe out there who is exactly in that position. Her universe, one of the many in the multiverse that houses billions of alternate Chloes, is one in which she hasn't gone through the major struggles that I have gone through now. It's pleasant knowing that she didn't have to go through that hurt.
But at the same time I know she will have gone through her own struggles, just in different aspects of life. They might not be mental illness, but they might be physical.
Okay, but what if she could be exactly the same as I am now, just without those things?
Well, the truth is, I don't even know who that person would be. She wouldn't actually be exactly the same as me, because I am a result of all the difficulties that have been thrown at me. These certain struggles I've gone through, I have reacted to them in a specific way, I have acted against them in a certain way, and they have shaped me in a certain way.
Let's run this down quickly.
If I didn't have mental illness, I probably wouldn't have studied Psychology. I wouldn't have fallen in love with it, wanted to do Honours, and then wanted to do a PhD in it. I wouldn't have (before deciding to do a PhD) volunteered at various places in the hopes of getting experience for a Masters of Clinical Psychology. This includes: I wouldn't have volunteered at Lifeline and I wouldn't have met Scott.
I don't believe in soul mates, so I don't think that's a huge deal - I'm pretty sure alternate reality Chloe has someone in her life that she is equally happy about. But that doesn't matter. I'm not alternate reality Chloe, I'm the Chloe from this reality. And because this is my reality, I'm quite happy not to change anything in my past that might affect my current reality. But my relationship with Scott is not the most important thing.
The most important reason I would not change anything in my past is because I envision that my entire personality has been split into "Before Depression" and "After Depression".
Before I had depression I had these very rigid rules of thinking. I was very conservative, and I'm ashamed to say, very judgemental. I didn't believe in mental illness, and I also believed that people had to act a certain way in order to be "Good People". I was very religious and yet I guess I didn't really understand my religion.
When I got depression, my whole world caved in. Suddenly I was experiencing this thing that I had in the past proclaimed never existed. Having depression meant I was being punished, which meant I was a bad human being, a "Bad Christian".
I turned away from God and the church, and I hated, honestly hated, Christianity. I wrestled with God, half thinking he existed, but also wondering how he could exist in a world so full of bad.
When I turned away from this huge chunk of my identity for 18 years, I started questioning the things that I learnt. I asked questions, and I tried to understand things from different perspectives.
Nowadays, I still ask questions. I'd consider myself quite open-minded, and I always try my hardest to see things from someone else's perspectives - even if I disagree with them. I try not to judge, although I think we're all guilty of it. I think what matters is not that initial, automatic judgement that we make, but the follow-up to that judgement. "Do I really think that?" "Why do I think that?" "Is there a good reason why that person might have said or done that?" "Is there another way of looking at it?" "Can they still be a good person despite that thing they said or did?"
I also (quite recently) rediscovered my faith. And I still don't have all the answers and I still really don't know how God could operate in a world so full of pain, but I also know that having these doubts does not a "Bad Christian" make. I'm comfortable calling myself a Christian again, even if I'm no longer the poster child for it.
And I honestly think that if it weren't for my negative experiences, I wouldn't be in this position now. That alternate reality Chloe that my mind sometimes thinks about, well she's probably still really close-minded, judgemental, and not interested in Psychology. She's probably living in this bubble of ignorance of others' feelings.
And, she's probably really, really happy.
But she ain't me.
Saturday 11 May 2019
Thursday 9 May 2019
MCU Rankings
Recently, Screen Junkies ranked all the MCU movies and I didn't agree with some of the rankings. So I decided to do my own list.
I'm aware that I have a recency bias since obviously movies I've watched more recently are more at the forefront of my mind than the ones I watched 10 years ago. I also have anchoring bias because I made my list while looking at the Screen Junkies' list. But whatever, I wrote it and it's done.
Disclaimer: There will be MILD SPOILERS for Endgame in this list. I won't be spoiling the plot or anything but sometimes people think that if I say "this movie was good" or "I didn't like the ending" or "the writing wasn't the best" then that in itself is a spoiler. If you are this person then don't read my bit for Endgame.
Image by /u/Joel_Tempero on Reddit
1. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
I didn't like the first Captain America, so I was really really blown away by this movie. We got a better glimpse into Captain America, I liked Black Widow a whole lot more, and we got Sebastian Freaking Stan in this! It's a great heist movie with great action sequences and great characterisation.
2. Avengers: Infinity War
This was the movie that all the movies were leading up to, all these things about the infinity stones that kept confusing me (Wait, what's the space stone? And what's the tesseract? Oh they're the same thing? Right.) finally came together and we got to see them all in action. I've been waiting for so long for these stones to make sense to me and man did it pay off! The way that they created character combos that we'd never seen before, and the ways they all used their unique powers/abilities to fight against Thanos was great.
3. Guardians of the Galaxy
For a movie to randomly introduce a bunch of randos we don't care about and still be funny, interesting, and all out entertaining... that really solidified how Marvel had us all wrapped around its finger.
4. Captain America: Civil War
I loved this movie because the idea of everyone fighting against their comrades was great. Also the airport scene and the 2v1 scene were just fantastic. I think the only thing that lets this movie down is how bizarre and out there Zemo's plan was - and how there didn't seem to be much room for error outside his very meticulous plan.
5. Avengers: Endgame
MILD SPOILERS ABOUT HOW I FELT ABOUT THIS FILM BUT NO PLOT SPOILERS:
Yes, I do think this movie was not as good as Infinity War. I think Endgame was very satisfying, but I have a few issues with some of the plot (I might write a blog about this later). It still makes top 5 though so don't kill me. After all, the action sequences, particularly at the end, were very satisfying.
6. Thor Ragnarok
Definitely the best Thor movie out there. It was just so high energy, colourful, and funny.
7. Black Panther
So I really loved this when I first watched it but when I rewatched it, it wasn't that great. It still gets points for showcasing this whole new world of Wakanda, and also for M'Baku.
8. Spider-Man: Homecoming
This was the best Spider-Man movie... until Into the Spiderverse. Still, I liked seeing Iron Man mentoring and being a father figure to Spider-Man, even developing his suit for him.
9. Doctor Strange
Ant-Man + Inception on steroids. Betadine Cumbersome. Dormammu, I've come to bargain. All great.
10. Ant-Man
Who would have thought a Paul Rudd Honey I Shrunk The Kids would have been so entertaining? Love me a good heist movie.
11. The Avengers
I think this movie doesn't hold up after the passage of time because we've seen a lot more epic fight scenes and a lot more characters since, but this was still a good movie and a good pay-off to all the individual Iron Man, Captain America, and Thor movies. (And I guess Hulk...)
12. Iron Man
I have to say I am biased against the Iron Man movies. For some reason I just didn't like them as much, but the origin story is definitely better than the sequels.
13. Thor
I quite liked Thor when I first saw it because I loved the world of Asgard and I thought Loki was a much better villain here than he was in The Avengers. It was also a great introduction of Chris Hemsworth as this out-of-touch out-of-time out-of-galaxy bumbling arrogant idiot who was just so fish-out-of-water.
14. Captain America: The First Avenger
I didn't like this movie, I don't know why. Especially given that I love love love Chris Evans and Captain America. I still like this movie for its story about why Steve Rogers is the perfect Captain America, but for some reason the movie just wasn't that great to me.
15. Ant-Man and the Wasp
This movie is quite recent and yet for some reason it's a bit forgettable. Still fun to see Paul Rudd have fun shrinking and flying with ants though.
16. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
This movie was fan service to the max and the whole Ego storyline was really quite bizarre to me. Not a fan.
17. Iron Man 3
I liked the idea of Iron Man needing to survive without his suit, him struggling with PTSD, and The Mandarin being a con. But this movie is also a bit forgettable.
18. Avengers: Age of Ultron
I liked this movie when it first came out, I think specifically because I liked Scarlet Witch. Over time though, it's not the best, and it's a bit chaotic. Best thing was the hammer scene though.
19. Captain Marvel
I really didn't like this movie. The writing wasn't great, the movie was chaotic and all over the place, and I really don't like Bire Larsen as Captain Marvel. I also just don't like the character and her undefined powers.
20. Iron Man 2
These last three movies... I can't remember much. So they're all sort of tied in last place so I just left them in the order that Screen Junkies left them in.
21. Thor: The Dark World
This movie was so forgettable, all I remember is being like "Loki is really pissing me off when he keeps coming back to life".
22. The Incredible Hulk
I'm not even going to comment on this one I barely remember it.
I'm aware that I have a recency bias since obviously movies I've watched more recently are more at the forefront of my mind than the ones I watched 10 years ago. I also have anchoring bias because I made my list while looking at the Screen Junkies' list. But whatever, I wrote it and it's done.
Disclaimer: There will be MILD SPOILERS for Endgame in this list. I won't be spoiling the plot or anything but sometimes people think that if I say "this movie was good" or "I didn't like the ending" or "the writing wasn't the best" then that in itself is a spoiler. If you are this person then don't read my bit for Endgame.
1. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
I didn't like the first Captain America, so I was really really blown away by this movie. We got a better glimpse into Captain America, I liked Black Widow a whole lot more, and we got Sebastian Freaking Stan in this! It's a great heist movie with great action sequences and great characterisation.
2. Avengers: Infinity War
This was the movie that all the movies were leading up to, all these things about the infinity stones that kept confusing me (Wait, what's the space stone? And what's the tesseract? Oh they're the same thing? Right.) finally came together and we got to see them all in action. I've been waiting for so long for these stones to make sense to me and man did it pay off! The way that they created character combos that we'd never seen before, and the ways they all used their unique powers/abilities to fight against Thanos was great.
3. Guardians of the Galaxy
For a movie to randomly introduce a bunch of randos we don't care about and still be funny, interesting, and all out entertaining... that really solidified how Marvel had us all wrapped around its finger.
4. Captain America: Civil War
I loved this movie because the idea of everyone fighting against their comrades was great. Also the airport scene and the 2v1 scene were just fantastic. I think the only thing that lets this movie down is how bizarre and out there Zemo's plan was - and how there didn't seem to be much room for error outside his very meticulous plan.
5. Avengers: Endgame
MILD SPOILERS ABOUT HOW I FELT ABOUT THIS FILM BUT NO PLOT SPOILERS:
Yes, I do think this movie was not as good as Infinity War. I think Endgame was very satisfying, but I have a few issues with some of the plot (I might write a blog about this later). It still makes top 5 though so don't kill me. After all, the action sequences, particularly at the end, were very satisfying.
6. Thor Ragnarok
Definitely the best Thor movie out there. It was just so high energy, colourful, and funny.
7. Black Panther
So I really loved this when I first watched it but when I rewatched it, it wasn't that great. It still gets points for showcasing this whole new world of Wakanda, and also for M'Baku.
8. Spider-Man: Homecoming
This was the best Spider-Man movie... until Into the Spiderverse. Still, I liked seeing Iron Man mentoring and being a father figure to Spider-Man, even developing his suit for him.
9. Doctor Strange
Ant-Man + Inception on steroids. Betadine Cumbersome. Dormammu, I've come to bargain. All great.
10. Ant-Man
Who would have thought a Paul Rudd Honey I Shrunk The Kids would have been so entertaining? Love me a good heist movie.
11. The Avengers
I think this movie doesn't hold up after the passage of time because we've seen a lot more epic fight scenes and a lot more characters since, but this was still a good movie and a good pay-off to all the individual Iron Man, Captain America, and Thor movies. (And I guess Hulk...)
12. Iron Man
I have to say I am biased against the Iron Man movies. For some reason I just didn't like them as much, but the origin story is definitely better than the sequels.
13. Thor
I quite liked Thor when I first saw it because I loved the world of Asgard and I thought Loki was a much better villain here than he was in The Avengers. It was also a great introduction of Chris Hemsworth as this out-of-touch out-of-time out-of-galaxy bumbling arrogant idiot who was just so fish-out-of-water.
14. Captain America: The First Avenger
I didn't like this movie, I don't know why. Especially given that I love love love Chris Evans and Captain America. I still like this movie for its story about why Steve Rogers is the perfect Captain America, but for some reason the movie just wasn't that great to me.
15. Ant-Man and the Wasp
This movie is quite recent and yet for some reason it's a bit forgettable. Still fun to see Paul Rudd have fun shrinking and flying with ants though.
16. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
This movie was fan service to the max and the whole Ego storyline was really quite bizarre to me. Not a fan.
17. Iron Man 3
I liked the idea of Iron Man needing to survive without his suit, him struggling with PTSD, and The Mandarin being a con. But this movie is also a bit forgettable.
18. Avengers: Age of Ultron
I liked this movie when it first came out, I think specifically because I liked Scarlet Witch. Over time though, it's not the best, and it's a bit chaotic. Best thing was the hammer scene though.
19. Captain Marvel
I really didn't like this movie. The writing wasn't great, the movie was chaotic and all over the place, and I really don't like Bire Larsen as Captain Marvel. I also just don't like the character and her undefined powers.
20. Iron Man 2
These last three movies... I can't remember much. So they're all sort of tied in last place so I just left them in the order that Screen Junkies left them in.
21. Thor: The Dark World
This movie was so forgettable, all I remember is being like "Loki is really pissing me off when he keeps coming back to life".
22. The Incredible Hulk
I'm not even going to comment on this one I barely remember it.
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