Are You Okay?

In honour of R U OK day (and a friend asking me how to speak to someone who looked like she was having suicidal thoughts), I decided to do a little blog post on some ways you could approach someone who's going through a tough time.

A good rough guide on how to ask someone if they are okay can be found here, but it doesn't give you much information on what to say and when to say it, so I thought I might give some tips from my own personal experiences of having depression.

Also, if you don't believe that these three words can actually save a life, just have a read of this!

Firstly, make sure YOU are okay before you ask someone if they are. If you aren't in the right mental state, then if you ask someone and they unleash a whole can of worms, you might be unable to cope with it, and it might even be detrimental to you, as their can of worms may stack up on your can of worms and bring you down even futher. If this is the case, perhaps speak to someone you are close with, or someone who is close to the person you are concerned about, and they can ask them instead.

So if you've decided you're okay enough to ask someone about their problems, make sure that you have the time and the effort to deal with their problems, if they do tell you their problems. If someone indeed has a problem, I think it's a fair enough assumption that the problem won't be able to be summarised in just a few sentences, and it might actually take a lot of probing and a long chat to get it all out, so make sure you have the time to listen to all they are saying, instead of rushing off to deal with something else. It is seriously such a bad idea to ask someone how they are going, then have them open up to you, only for you to turn around and say you don't have the time or whatever to help them. It would make them feel even worse than they already are.

Okay, so you've decided that you're completely able and capable of asking the person if they are okay. How do you do it?

If it is really obvious, such as a Facebook post, or something serious, you can say something like, "Hey, I know we're not that close but I saw your post/whatever and I was really concerned. Is everything okay?"

If you have noticed something more subtle about them that has made you want to ask them if they are okay, then don't dive straight into it. Just like any other conversation, start off small by asking them just generally how they are going. Then you can go a bit more specific, but still keep it general, like, "How's uni going?", "How is your family?, "How is work going?", etc. If this doesn't open them up a bit more, then that is when you can start asking more specific things, like, "Are you feeling a bit stressed out? How are you coping with all that?", or "It's just that I noticed you looked a bit upset/stressed/worried, and just wanted to check up on you. Are you sure everything's okay?"

If they aren't comfortable with talking about it, don't force it upon them, because it could make things worse and they could get quite angry at you for it. Instead, let them know that you are there for them, by saying something like, "Well I hope you're okay, and just remember that if you need anything, I'm always here to talk to. And if you're feeling overwhelmed by everything, just remember that you've got friends and family who you can talk to as well; just make sure you don't bottle up everything inside."

Another important thing is that you don't always have to suspect something is going wrong in someone's life to ask them how they are going. If you regularly meet up with a friend, it's easy to slip into asking about events or what has happened in the last few weeks rather than how they have been feeling. For example, you might get into the habit of asking, "So what have you been doing these last few weeks?" or "So what are you doing at uni now?", rather than "So how have you been these last few weeks? Everything okay?" or "How's uni going? Do you have any assessments or exams? How are you going with that?"

This means that even if you didn't know the person was struggling with something, they might be able to come out and open up to you about their issues.

So what do you do if they actually DO open up to you and tell you all their problems?

Firstly, it's really important to listen to what they have to say. I know that when I'm upset I usually just want to get it off my chest and tell it to someone... ANYONE actually. Often I'm not looking for a solution, I'm looking for someone to empathise with me. I think back to Parks and Rec where Chris always tries to tell Ann these solutions that he comes up with to her problems, but all she wants is for Chris to sit down with her and say, "Wow, that sucks." Empathising with someone can actually be a lot better than trying to solve their problems for them. It might also be that they've tried to solve their problems and whatever solutions you try and tell them, well, they've already thought of and tried them, and they didn't work. This could make them even more upset.

Another thing is that if you don't show you can empathise with them, they might not want to talk to you in the future. I know a lot of the times when I open up to someone and then not talk to them again, it's because I have this feeling of, "They just don't GET me." So try and empathise with the person rather than solve their problems; it does wonders.

If you still think that you have a solution to the problem, you don't have to straight up offer it. You might ask them instead what they think about the problem, or whether they've thought about what to do. After they say all this, then you may be able to give advice on your solutions to the problem, but obviously use your own discretion.

When it comes to suicide, this is obviously a lot trickier, because often the person might think that the solution IS the suicide. The R U OK article (here it is again for you) has a good summary of things to say when someone tells you they are suicidal. Obviously the most important thing is to try to discourage them from it, but do so really really gently. Tell them that you are really concerned and you care about them and that their lives deserve to continue - all the stuff you can think of, just try not to be too aggressive about it. Recognise that you are not a professional and that there are free professional services out there that they could use - Lifeline, Beyond Blue, Headspace, etc. There are so many avenues for this kind of thing, whether they want to speak to someone in person, over the phone, or on an online chat. Sometimes it's easier telling a stranger all your problems, rather than a friend.

Another thing is to try to ask them about who they could talk to or call when they have strong suicidal thoughts. You can get them to make a list of all the people they could call, e.g. Lifeline, Mum/Dad, boyfriend/girlfriend, best friend, yourself, 000, etc., which would help them when they're in the moment of wanting to suicide.

If you are with someone who is in the moment and wants to suicide, make sure you keep their environment free of anything dangerous, such as sharp items, knives, alcohol, drugs, and any medication which they might overdose on. After you do that, you might want to call Lifeline on 13 11 14, or call 000.

Just remember that whatever the circumstance, be gentle with them and try to listen instead of offer them solutions. Speak to them in a non-judgemental way and let them know that you are there for them and you care about them. And also remember that you aren't the only person who can help; encourage them to speak to others, be it friends, family, or professional services.

One last thing (and this may be really obvious but it's still worth a mention), if you know of others who have been talking to the person, try not to approach the person. If too many people are speaking to the person it can get a bit overwhelming for them. In those cases, it's probably best to reserve it unless you are really close to them, as you don't want to keep asking them about something when others have asked them and are currently speaking to them about the issue.

So, that's all I can think of for now, and if I think of anything else I'll update this post. Hope it has helped and remember that if you yourself are struggling with something, speak to someone! I'm free for a chat whenever =]