I have never been good enough.
My extremely high standards can only be met by someone who is physically non-human, so it's a miracle that I can ever be happy with or proud of myself at all. Don't get me wrong, those instances are rare.
Lately more so than ever I have felt the stench of imposter syndrome slowly creeping in. No longer in my peripherals, it fogs over my entire life and the insecurity is pounding louder than ever before.
I feel it in every domain of my life.
I feel like one day Scott is going to realise that I'm a terrible girlfriend who doesn't deserve his patience, kindness, and support.
I sit at my desk fearing the day that someone walks up to me and demands to take my PhD off of me. They will say, "You don't have a clue about what you're doing. You don't deserve this. You will never be good enough for this. Give it back so we can give it to someone who actually deserves it."
I do my work hoping I won't get fired because I feel like I'm wandering around in the dark and my hands are tied behind my back so I can't even feel my way through. People may be looking at their own computers, but I feel their mental eyes sizing me up, seeing right through me, knowing that I conned my way in and the only achievement for me is to be a disappointment.
People say I'm an inspiration because of how far I've come with the depression and eating disorder I've experienced. I want to yell at them, "How on earth am I an inspiration?! I don't know what the hell I'm doing! I like to wallow in self pity and cry myself to sleep, is that your idea of an inspiration?! Because it's pathetic."
And this smell of bullshit has been lingering for so long that I no longer know where the source of it is. I've tried to ignore it for so long that all I've managed to do is keep walking through it, spreading it everywhere, rubbing it deeper into the carpet, where it can't be removed any more.
And worst of all, this sense of impending doom and self-insufficiency is just plain tiring. It's exhausting. I don't want to feel like this. And I don't want the answer to be, "Everyone feels like this." Because all that means is that everyone feels just as shit as I do, and everyone is tired.
