I can't even remember what January felt like

I wrote this in my journal at the start of the year. When the turn of the decade signalled hope, change, and a future. To me, it also symbolised survival.

I have been suicidal many times in the last decade. Entering the 2020s just never seemed like something I would achieve. Even when I wasn't suicidal, the thought of being alive for so long was daunting. Even now, the thought of still being alive in 2030 is unfathomable.

In the last few years, things started to change. Maybe I still had thoughts of suicide every now and then, but in 2019 I really was starting to feel like depression and suicidality were behind me. 2020 wasn't just the start of a new decade, it was the start of a new era in my life, where depression wouldn't be the focal point.

Of course, all that has changed now.

COVID-19 is doing everything in its power to destroy what I have worked so hard for.

I look back on this page in my journal and I know I wrote it, I know it is my writing, and I know it is in my journal. But it seems so alien to me. I don't even remember writing it. It's dated the 5th of January, and I can't even remember what January felt like.

How I feel now is the complete opposite to what those words say. I feel like a darkness is closing in on me and it is getting harder and harder to see the light. I have to constantly fight thoughts of suicide, I have to try so hard to act like normal or to act like I even want to be alive during video calls, I have to keep doing my work in an effort to tell myself that there is a future and that I have to still do work in case I am still alive in that future, I have to go to bed anticipating the dread of waking up in the morning.

I know that this is temporary but it is feeling like an eternity. Even without a pandemic, when you have thoughts of suicide, one day can seem like a year.

The uncertainty of when this will all end is, of course, something that everyone is concerned with. The lack of control, and the fear associated with that, is not doing anyone any favours. Of course, having a background of being suicidal makes one think that this is the only way to regain control. I know, logically, that it is not. But I can't help my feelings.

For anyone wondering, I am fine. I have no current plans in place and I'm doing my best to continue on as normal. I'm seeing my psychologist, and I'm taking care of myself. But as you can tell by the time of this post, the nights are the hardest. It is at this time of day when you have no more distractions to drown out the cries of your own heart, when the silence makes you feel ever so lonely, and when you think about having to start all over again tomorrow morning. Getting out of bed is the hardest, but I plan to do so.

Painting on canvas again

Every now and then I think to myself, "Oh, I haven't done a canvas painting in a while..."

I usually brush it off because the thought of investing so much time and effort into such a big project usually turns me off, but this year I really wanted to do another one.

Now that quarantine has hit, this was the perfect time to finally get around to it.

Here is the final version of my latest painting, "Sunset: A Painting in Quarantine". It was done over 7 sessions in 23 days (about 12.5 hours in total), with oil paint on canvas.

Here is the small reference picture they provide with the canvas:

This canvas is part of a set that my mum bought when I was still a child (see, I wasn't joking when I said I literally do one painting every few years). It's for beginners so it comes with the outlines already printed on. This has its pros and cons. For example, I don't have to sketch things so it makes it way easier, but on the other hand if I don't want the painting to look exactly like the image, it's harder to paint over the black lines.

(Click on the image to view these photos in a slideshow)

My first session: 4th April, about 1.5 hours.

I didn't like the pale, washed out sunny version of the reference picture, so I decided to make it during a sunset instead.

Second session: 5th April, about 2 hours.

Went over the sky a bit more because I realised some of the preprinted lines from the clouds and birds  could still be seen. Also started on the building, and I got really confused because I realised the image sort of cuts out on the right and on the bottom (it is like this on the reference image too, I think it's meant to be ~artistic~).




Third session: 7th April, about 1.5 - 2 hours.

I didn't like how the building was looking so I experimented with putting a brickwork onto it. After painting the bricks, I realised it was completely not to scale, but oh well, what's done is done. I also added the red and white shade thing.

This session ended up being a lesson in letting go of my perfectionism. Also, a lesson that it's really difficult to be a perfectionist when you literally do not have the proper skills to do something correctly.

Note: the inconsistency in colours is just because of lighting, I didn't go over the sky and change the colours after the second session. I think the first two sessions were taken at night under a light which is why the colours are really different to the other photos.

Fourth session: 11th April, about 1.5 - 2 hours.

I did the windows, the interior of the restaurant, and the ground. I also shaded a bit of the building and this was where my confidence started improving, it felt like it was starting to really come together quite well.

Fifth session: 13th April, about 1 hour.

I took Pam from the Office's advice on painting a shrub over anything you didn't like, so I added a shrub next to the wall. Also, I can't do people very well so I just painted silhouettes, but I liked how it was looking.

Sixth session: 25th April, about 2 hours.

I filled in the boats and the dock, and added shading to it. Now that the whole canvas has been painted, it was starting to look really good.

Seventh session: 26th April, about 2 hours.

I added the island and lighthouse, which I don't like the shape of but it had to be that shape because that was how the outline was (the outline honestly made it look more like the top of a mosque rather than a lighthouse).

I also added other finishing touches like the reflection in the windows, the other part of the dock and the boy fishing, the box in the boat, general shading all round, and my signature. I also painted over what was meant to be the anchor on the ground because I was feeling too lazy to paint the anchor.

Taking care of your mental health while in lockdown

The last few weeks have been very stressful for everyone.

Working from home, having health anxiety about COVID, the uncertainty of all these lockdowns, on top of any of your personal problems can be very overwhelming.

Personally, I've been struggling a lot because my family have asked me to stop seeing Scott during this period because they are worried of his risk of exposure so we're going long distance, I have concerns about how COVID will affect my PhD, and my prescription medications are under a worldwide shortage due to the virus.

This is a period where I'm feeling very out of control, which is sending my anxiety through the roof. It's also undoing all the hard work I've done over the years to manage my depression, and it's a bit heartbreaking that staying at home is making me slip back into my depressive habits and mood.

So I decided to write a list of things that I can control and actively do to take care of my mental health during this period. This was more of a reminder to myself, but I thought I'd blog it too in case it helps anyone else.

Image from The Nib

1. Avoiding COVID-related news/talk

• Avoid the news as much as you can - it is impossible to avoid it all the time, but limit how regularly you check it - and if you are looking at articles online, limit how many (e.g., I will only look at 2 news articles every day)
• Mute notifications or block people who are constantly sending you COVID news
• Remove your Facebook timeline through a Google chrome extension
• When you call your friends, ask them if you can have some COVID-free talk at the end, e.g. the last 10 minutes, so you can end on a positive note
• Something that Scott and I will start trialling is I can only vent to him about COVID-related stuff twice a week, so that I'm not grumpy and upset every time we call each other

Image from @positivelypresent

2. Self care

• Think of things that you've always wanted to do - now is your time to finish that project / start learning that new skill / spend time doing that hobby you love
• Write a list of these things down - sometimes you think you can remember all the things you want to do, but sometimes when you're so upset, it's really easy to forget and say there's absolutely nothing interesting you could do
• Make it specific - not just "watch Netflix" but what shows are you excited to watch? This makes it easier for your future upset self to pick something to do
• One example is that every(?) week, Cirque du Soleil will be uploading 60 minute previews of some of their shows. Here is the first video, which shows parts of Kurios, "O", and LUZIA
• Try to still exercise regularly; there are plenty of home workout options:
• 14 Day Quarantine Workout by Blogilates (scroll down on this webpage for links to demos of each day's moves)
• Database of at-home programs with cool infographic visuals by Darebee
• Dance fitness videos on Youtube
• Calisthenics/bodyweight videos on Youtube
• You can also still leave the house for exercise, whether that's going out for a walk to get some fresh air, or running, or if you are near a beach/pool, potentially going for a swim depending on the laws around that (check the laws in case they change, but at the time of writing I think you can still go to the beach for exercise - i.e., walking or swimming - just don't hang around sunbathing, and still practice social distancing)

Image from imgflip

3. Staying social

• Write down a list of people you can talk to when you are feeling upset - similar to the self-care activities, when I'm upset I tend to forget that I actually do have friends who care about me - I feel very alone and I often can't think off the top of my head who I could talk to
• When you are feeling okay, you can message these people and ask them if they would be okay for you to message/call/chat when you are feeling upset
• Try to book in a video call with someone outside your house every day - try to make it different people - it doesn't have to be every day but you can aim for this so you get your social quota
• Try different ways of socialising - when you catch up with friends it's not always just sitting there and chatting. See if there are any games you could play, or movies you could watch. Here are some things I have found out about recently: 
• House party
• Netflix viewing party Chrome extension
• This list of long-distance activities you could do (I mean, you could still do them with friends to be honest)

(If anyone has any long-distance relationship tips that Scott and I can try, please let me know!)

Image from Beautylish

4. Be easy on yourself

• These are crazy times, you are definitely not going to be at your usual levels, whether that is exercise, self-care skills, socialising, etc.
• Just do the best you can, and be forgiving of yourself.

Image from Freelancer Map

The next two are related to working from home. I think most people are sort of in the swing of things already, and may be practicing a lot of these already, but here they are:

5. As much as you can, separate your workspace from your personal space

• If possible, have a different desk or area to work in, so that when you are finished with work, you can go to the room/desk/space you normally spend time relaxing at.
• Put your work stuff in a pile and cover the pile with a towel or cloth so you don't have to look at it outside of work hours
• For example, I have a list of stuff I need to do for my PhD blu-tacked to the side of my computer, and when I'm done with my work day, I blu tac a bigger, blank piece of paper on top of it so I can't see my work to-do list. Because I work at the same desk where I relax, I need this so I'm not constantly glancing at my to-do list and thinking about what I need to do
• Have an accountability buddy to check in with you each day, you can do this simply by answering some simple questions like:
• What time will you wake up tomorrow?
• What time will you eat breakfast? 
• What time will you start work?
• What time will you finish work? (for people who struggle to stop working and start self caring)
• What are one or two things you want to accomplish today?

Image from The Awkward Yeti

6. Create a routine that works at home (this might be different to the routine that works in the office, but might have elements of your previous routine so you can emulate a sense of normality)

• Set an alarm to sleep on time, wake up on time
• Make sure you change, have breakfast, brush your teeth all before you start work
• Maybe spend some time reading, listening to a podcast, or doing something to get you started for the day - remember that most of the time you commute to work, your brain actually wakes up during this commuting time - it might be hard to jump straight from breakfast to work when you don't have this commute to wake up
• Maybe scheduling in a small break every 1-1.5 hours makes you more productive than trying to stick to your usual work schedule

Image from Doodle Unlimited

7. Be easy on yourself (again)

• Again, you are not going to be at your usual work productivity level
• The good thing is that everyone is in the same position, so they understand that everyone else may not be as productive
• Just do the best you can, and be forgiving of yourself.